I can repeat over and over again how much I don’t care about you. I can lie and tell my friends that I haven’t thought about you and that I’m doing just fine without you. I can make empty promises that I don’t miss you. I can convince myself every time my phone lights up that I’m not hoping your name will be showing up across my screen.
I wonder to myself what would happen if you messaged me. I slightly hope I’ll hear from you with an apology, an explanation, something to give me a little peace of mind. But I don’t know if I’ll get that, ever.
I tell myself if you do message me I’ll wait it out. Make you sweat, but at the same time I don’t know if you will sweat. I don’t know if you’ll be worried at all because if you ask me, right now you’re doing a damn good job of keeping the silence growing. I tell myself I won’t answer you because maybe then you’ll see how it feels.
But in all honestly, I think I’d only pretend to be stubborn and act annoyed to hear from you. I’d act like I can’t believe you even bothered texting me after all this time, but secretly I’d be glowing on the inside. I’d almost feel relieved, like maybe you do actually care about me and maybe you do actually miss me too.
And I’d hate myself for admitting that.
I’d hate so much that I’ve let you have so much power over me.
I’d hate that just because you finally sent me a message, one you wouldn’t even have to show up at my door and deliver, but a fucking message that only takes a few seconds to write would make me happy.
I should be angry. I shouldn’t let a message do justice after days of not talking to me, just letting me go without an explanation. I should be annoyed to hear from you and your message shouldn’t mean a thing, but it would. It’s pathetic how much I wish I would hear from you.
I sit here all day trying to push thoughts of you out of my mind while you probably don’t even think twice about me. I wonder over and over where I went wrong while you probably just found someone better. It’s pathetic that if you messaged me, I’d try to play it coy and be short, but in all honestly my chest would be pounding waiting for your next response.
You go against everything I believe in, but what can I say?
There’s something about you that does something to me. It makes it so hard to let you go and walk away.
I’ll tell myself I won’t chase after you because I won’t. I won’t blow up your phone; I won’t send you question marks when you don’t answer. I won’t make an effort to let you know I miss you, but I will miss you, I’ll miss you from a distance. I’ll let the pain burn inside of me until the fire dies out and you’re only a memory of what could have been.
It’s pathetic how much I want to hear from you, but I won’t let you know how pathetic I really feel. So I’ll keep my phone by my side and hope to God I’ll see your name, but if not it was nice to know you.