I’m not supposed to tell you this but
sometimes I text you and immediately turn my phone off. I hide it underneath a pillow or two, stick it in my dresser drawer or other random spots hoping I’ll forget I’m waiting.
sometimes I’m more eager. sometimes I keep the sound turned all the way up.
sometimes I think these really terrible and dark thoughts and want to tell you to see if our levels of fucked up match. I’m calculating how much I can get away with sharing. I’m testing the waters.
sometimes I keep it shallow on purpose.
sometimes I see things in shop windows or online and decide you might like them. they’d make you smile, laugh, or maybe, just for one stupid moment, feel like someone cares. sometimes I decide that’s a bad idea, I’d rather save my money.
sometimes I don’t save my money.
sometimes I wonder if you like me or if I’m just obsessed with the chase.
sometimes I’m afraid if you were ever all the way in, I suddenly wouldn’t be.
sometimes I book Airbnbs near you because I’m impulsive and make decisions at 2 am that aren’t well-thought-out.
sometimes I create excuses to see you and still cancel last minute.
sometimes I feel like there’s a reason for all of this.
you, a nick on my heart.
it’s not like it hurts.
but it’s not exactly going away either.