I’m not supposed to tell you this but

sometimes I text you and immediately turn my phone off. I hide it underneath a pillow or two, stick it in my dresser drawer or other random spots hoping I’ll forget I’m waiting.

sometimes I’m more eager. sometimes I keep the sound turned all the way up.

sometimes I think these really terrible and dark thoughts and want to tell you to see if our levels of fucked up match. I’m calculating how much I can get away with sharing. I’m testing the waters.

sometimes I keep it shallow on purpose.

sometimes I see things in shop windows or online and decide you might like them. they’d make you smile, laugh, or maybe, just for one stupid moment, feel like someone cares. sometimes I decide that’s a bad idea, I’d rather save my money.

sometimes I don’t save my money.

sometimes I wonder if you like me or if I’m just obsessed with the chase.

sometimes I’m afraid if you were ever all the way in, I suddenly wouldn’t be.

sometimes I book Airbnbs near you because I’m impulsive and make decisions at 2 am that aren’t well-thought-out.

sometimes I create excuses to see you and still cancel last minute.

sometimes I feel like there’s a reason for all of this.

you, a nick on my heart.

it’s not like it hurts.

but it’s not exactly going away either.