I don’t know how to purposefully flirt. It’s not a skill I was blessed with. Sure, I can flirt when I’m not aware of it. But the second I realize what I’m doing, or that a crush is developing, my brain says, “Lol, good luck.”
If you’re like me, you’re way too familiar with these techniques when you simply suck at flirting.
1. Completely ignore them.
You get so flustered that you do EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER to not look at them or talk to them. Because nothing makes quite as much as sense as pretending the one person you’re interested in doesn’t exist.
2. Ramble for 10 minutes on something completely random.
“Oh hey, could I get you a drink? Hahah you know what, this reminds me of that episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer where Spike and Buffy start taking shots together. It’s weird how vampires can still get drunk. Like, they’re dead? Would alcohol really affect them like that? I don’t know. Spike was the first time I ever liked a bad boy. I usually like them a bit awkward and skinny, like you.” *WINK*
3. Laugh a little too hard at their jokes.
I guarantee you nothing said was so funny that your eyes should be watering right now.
4. Stare blankly.
Quick! Think of something witty to say! Contribute to the conversation! OKAY, LITERALLY SAY ANYTHING.
Your sentences don’t really make sense. Or you laugh, and it sounds like a dying walrus. It’s like you have forgotten how to human. GREAT TIMING.
6. Try to wink. End up blinking.
Which prompts the question, “Do you have something in your eye?” To which you have to say, “Oh yeah, I guess I do.” Then run away to the bathroom.
7. Actually choke.
No, this is not a drill. Does anyone know the Heimlich?!
8. Start speaking in puns.
Nothing says sexual chemistry like wordplay, right? Dad jokes, FULL STEAM AHEAD!!!!
Because if you’re as lucky as I am, you sometimes snort when you laugh. And here’s the thing, it’s cute when a sitcom character does it. When I do it? Not so much. Nobody wants to have sex with Miss Piggy. And if they do, that’s concerning.