1. I had a dream about you last night.
Meaning: I’ve been horny and no one has touched my genitals in a while (excluding myself). I’m testing the waters to see if you’ll take this in a flirtatious way. If so, I’ll move straight into a sad sexting attempt. I’m very lonely.
Meaning: I’m getting reaaaal sloppy at a bar and they just announced last call. Please invite me over.
3. I’ve been thinking about you lately.
Meaning: I know you’re still emotionally invested in me and I’m seeking some validation and attention right now. I’m hoping to hear you’re still into me because it will boost my ego, and that’s all I’m really looking for right now.
4. You up?
Meaning: I want to see you naked.
5. I miss youuuuu.
Meaning: I miss you…but like, mostly I miss having sex with you. Had I just said, “I miss you” it might have meant I truly did and was hoping we could rekindle a meaningful relationship. But the use of excessive “U” is a dead giveaway that I’ve been bonding with the bartender tonight. So, yeah. Text me if you want to get weird.
6. Are you seeing anyone right now?
Meaning: I’m feeling threatened and want you to reassure me that it’s all in my head.
7. I thought I saw you the other day.
Meaning: No I didn’t. I just wanted an excuse to text you. I’m still not mature enough to be honest, so I use ploys and tricks to re-establish communication. If you’re wondering if I’ve grown up in the time we’ve been apart, nope! Sure haven’t!
8. I hope you’re doing well.
Meaning: Yeah, I hope you’re doing well. But mostly I wanted to remind you of my existence. Hiiiiiiiii.