17 Signs You’re Actually An Elderly Person Hiding In A Young Body

Matthew Wiebe
Matthew Wiebe

1. If you’re sitting down, it’s pretty much guaranteed you have a blanket draped across your lap. (Bonus points if you’re also knitting.)

2. In fact, when everyone was making fun of the Snuggie commercials, you were secretly first pumping inside. A BLANKET AND A ROBE? Go ahead and cue Hilary Duff because this is what dreams are made of.

3. Your favorite part of any night out is when you finally come back home and get into bed.

4. You cannot pull of trendy teen lingo (even if you’re still a youngin’ yourself). Remember that time you tried to say “on fleek” and just sounded like a confused Martha Stewart? Yep. Wasn’t great. Just stick to saying things like, “Oh, neat!” We all know it’s your safe zone.

5. You always make sure everyone brings a jacket.

6. And order water for everyone if drinks are being poured. You’re like a walking Hydration Station — gotta make sure you balance that alcohol and H20!

7. You fall asleep watching movies.

8. …You fall asleep watching movies at like, 7 pm.

9. You are a professional napper at this point.

10. It’s not uncommon for you to tell people, “I’m going to go rest for a bit.” And it’s not because you just ran a marathon. It’s because you just went to the grocery store and it was EXHAUSTING.

11. You own a ton of sweatpants.

12. You feel no shame in wearing slippers out and about.

13. Actually, sweatpants and slippers are sort of your trade mark look. Hey, comfort is fashionable…right?

14. You are technologically-challenged. And you can’t keep up with all these apps. Like, what’s Peach? Oh, people don’t use Facebook anymore? Hey, is Myspace still a thing?

15. You have a self-imposed bedtime. And get very cranky if you’re out too late.

16. You’ve referred to a group of adolescents as “youths.” And wondered why they are all congregating near your house. GET OFF MY LAWN, YA NO GOOD KIDS!

17. Basically, your biggest fantasy is to just sit in a comfy chair with a small animal on your lap. What else could you ask for? Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Ari Eastman

✨ real(ly not) chill. poet. writer. mental health activist. mama shark. ✨

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