1. Ross Geller from Friends
Ahhhh, Ross, my fictional dream guy who filled up many a page of my 6th grade diary. I was sure he was the kind of person I should end up with. Sensitive, intelligent, a little mumbly and awkward. He was the lovable geek with a heart of gold who, for some reason, just kept getting overlooked. Could you BE any more foolish, Rachel? I mean, CLEARLY they were on a break. And look how tall he is! Yum. I was ready to dive into a thousand oceans if it meant I could wind up with him as my lobster. In fact, I wanted to be Mrs. Geller so badly, thirteen-year-old me told a boy in my class to tell his buddy (who was crushing on me) to move on because I had ZERO room in my heart for anyone else. Harsh, maybe, but I was a
woman pre-teen in love.
And then I grew up and re-watched the series.
ROSS, WHY ARE YOU ACTUALLY THE WORST?
His intelligence is great, but not when it’s being used as a holier than thou bargaining tool. The entire gang is smart, but Ross is the only one who’s an asshole about it. And the JEALOUSY. Oy, with the jealousy! Rachel finally gets an amazing job that she’s really excited for and Ross cannot handle it. Ross would have been that guy who is so grateful to be with you…until you start growing or changing or just, you know, embracing who you are. Then Red Ross would reappear. And that’s not cute.
2. Seth Cohen from The O.C.
For years, I was sure no one could ever live up to my enormous crush on Seth Cohen. Those curls! Those dimples! That dry, sarcastic wit! Be still, my beating heart.
I do seriously lust for Cohen, but he and Summer are kind of a hot mess and not as sweet as I remembered. They get their act together later on, but young-me romanticized the shit out of that couple. In reality, Cohen is insecure and just a little too whiny. It’s funny to watch, sure, but would be terrible in a partner. But you know who would be a great boyfriend? SANDY COHEN.
3. JD from Scrubs
It took me a weird amount of time to realize having a crush on JD was almost narcissistic because a lot of his (terrible) characteristics remind me of…me. JD represents all my worst parts: neurotic, indecisive, bags under the eyes.
His inner monologue is relatable and he’s the ideal Jewish doctor to bring home to my family. But he’s also a bit of a tool. And doesn’t treat women very well. He’s that great fake-nice-funny-guy-but-actually-an-asshole. Plus, you just know he’s selfish in bed.
4. Cory Matthews from Boy Meets World
Are you picking up on a pattern yet? That I’m hopelessly attracted to goofy, anxious men? Yeah, I know. It’s great.
Topanga and Cory are #RelationshipGoals, or whatever, but you cannot watch that show back and not tell me Cory is annoying. Like, damn. Bless you for sticking around, Topanga. You could have done so much better.
5. Arthur from Arthur
Sure, I was only five when this crush was happening, but it’s hard to imagine any staying power for the two of us. He wears glasses! I’ve got 20/20 vision! He wears thick sweaters! I like crop tops! He’s an aardvark! I’m a human! We’re from different worlds…
6. Spike from Buffy The Vampire Slayer
He was evil. I just don’t see how we could have made that work.