Shit. That’s what it feels like. It feels like shit. But you’re not supposed to verbalize that. Not really.
Someone will simply tell you that love is not a competition, as if this is information you don’t already know. They will hand you a journal full of inspirational quotes, things to look at when the heaviness of, what feels like, being the only person still alone really hits you. You might listen. But you’ll grow tired of the same vague sentences like, “The right one will eventually find you.”
It’s not always about being single. Just as it’s not always about wishing for a grand love. Sometimes, it’s just a game of unfair comparisons. You know what you’re doing. You know it’s unhealthy and it will only make the hurt worse; the fall much harder. But that doesn’t mean it won’t happen.
When past loves have all settled down and you’re still figuring out your path, you’ll feel confused. It doesn’t mean you’ll suddenly want the past back, or that you’ll set out to find a new immediate fix to future loneliness. But you may start to question why they found a new partner so easily and you’re still looking. You may seep in a bit of self-loathing every now and then, but so what? You’re human. Cut yourself some slack. You’re allowed to be human.
When someone you once called home finds a new place to hang their heart, it can feel like a betrayal. Even if it isn’t. Even when they are free to find something that fills them with light and goodness. You want that for them, truly. But you want it for yourself, too. And obsessing over how or when won’t help you fall asleep at night. It’ll just be a new thing to worry about. It will be a new thing to stay awake over.
When it appears as if all your exes have seamlessly moved forward and found new happiness, you’ll fall into occasional pits of jealousies. You’ll wonder if it’s just you. Maybe something is fundamentally wrong with you.
But it’s not. Because the truth is something is wrong with all of us. And something is great in all of us. You’re not the pariah who is impossible to love. Though you may feel alone on the island, you’re not. You just haven’t explored enough of the land.
But for now? Be with yourself. It’s okay. You’re okay. You’ve got you, remember?