I Finally Realized I Love You, But Now It’s Too Late


I still remember the first time I met you that Monday night. You barely knew me and you told me your secrets and what pained your heart. I never expected to see you again, but continued hoping that I would, because I felt something that I still cannot explain.

And then our paths crossed again, and we bonded over vanity and debauchery. We both loved the same things in life. When I said my goodbye, I hoped to never see you again, to keep you a beautiful memory.

In life, it is strange how sometimes you know what you want, but you never expect to find it. You found me again, and I was starting to fear losing myself.

As we continued, I started to learn more about your hopes and dreams, and your nightmares and scars. You were no saint, and neither was I – but you were honest when I could never be.

I sensed a change. This could not be happening. This is when everything disappears. In life, what destroys you the most is the people you love. My past had broken me but I never wanted to be fully shattered, so I kept my distance.

As time went by, I told you my dark secrets, hoping you would keep yourself away from me – but instead you stood nearby. I was not used to this. I did not even know what this was. You kept proving me wrong.

Every day I expected you to be gone, while my heart hoped you would stay.

When I felt I was getting closer to you, I pushed you away – but you didn’t leave. I felt this ease around you but the fear in my mind never left. I was so scared of all the bad things that could happen to me that I couldn’t allow the good ones to be possible. 

I show the outside world what I want them to see. Little by little, I showed you the ugliness inside me. I introduced you to my wounds that would never heal, hoping you would pull away. Instead you showed me your flaws too, but I just admired your beautiful heart.

I am too scared to let people in my life because of what I have been through, and it is unfair for me to assume that you would be the same. When you tried to get closer, I moved away. When you tried to move away, I pulled you closer. I am a confused mess. My fear of abandonment could never let you in, but also did not want to let you go.

Every time I wanted you to be gone and every time I expected you to let me down, you proved me wrong. It only made me fear you more because I did not want to fall. You treated me the way I had always wanted to be treated but never was. It made me happier than I had ever been but it scared me more than ever.

I knew I wanted you in my life, and I knew if I fell for you, it would only be a matter of time until I would lose you forever.  I felt this ease around you and you knew more of me than anyone, you made me feel both strong and vulnerable.  You could shatter me anytime now.

I never really knew how you felt about me. I assumed a lot, but never knew the truth. And, now I never will. You told me to look for happiness wherever I could find it, when I wanted it near you. When I was ready to get close, you closed the door on me, or so I thought.

I wandered. I faltered, and I lost my way.

The last time I saw you, I felt this happiness in my heart. I remembered how I loved every moment we shared together, sometimes doing nothing at all. Being around you made me smile like never before, and when the world let me down, you did not.

This could not be happening now. It couldn’t have taken me this long to realize the truth. I knew I would never be able to say it. One little word.

I had known you for months, and for the first time I noticed your eyes – and I just knew; you were it. This was it.

(But it was too late.) Thought Catalog Logo Mark

About the author

Anjana Rajbhandary

Beauty & Lifestyle Writer

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