3 Things You Can’t Ever Tell The Man You’re Dating

image - Flickr / Carlos Fonseca
image – Flickr / Carlos Fonseca

A friend of mine told me there are 3 things you can’t ever tell a man you’re dating.

  1. You don’t clean.
  2. You don’t cook.
  3. You don’t give head.

If these are the top three priorities for any man to consider a date #2 I can pretty much pack it all in.  Buy the 10 cats I’ve always wanted and freeze my eggs as extra collateral.  It’s like applying for a job when you have none of the prerequisites, but you go into the interview anyway.  You go in looking like a dime piece thinking that if you make the best impression and give the usual spiel of how hard of a worker you are, they HAVE to give you the job.  Post interview, you’re staring at the phone, checking every two minutes if your service is working, if the phone’s ring volume is at max, but it all checks out and the longer you wait the more impatient you become. Eventually the denial subsides and you come to face the reality that you didn’t get it.

In terms of dating, our neuroses tend to go down a different path.  Yes, still we’re staring at the phone, but our anger seeps into our impatience and we’re more likely to have made a few calls/texts to follow up on how he thought your date went.  Does he respond? No. There is nothing we can do after the initial interview, and there damned well isn’t any textual response we could send that will make a guy give it another go. Now on top of not meeting his fundamental qualifications, you have proven yourself insane by trying to do so.

At this point in your mourning period you are reunited with your initial quandary, “How the hell am I going to have the chance to show someone that I can cook, clean and give amazing head if they don’t give me the fucking chance! No, I don’t have any references to give you, you just have to trust that I will do all the above.”

For someone who is choosey about who gets to enjoy all the above luxuries, I can’t go about handing it out with zero regard for future outcomes.

I can’t get a guy to stay with me long enough to show him any of those necessary things.  and more importantly, I can’t manage to tolerate a guy long enough to want to do any of those things for him.   I’ve quite literally hit a dating ceiling.  I can only get so far before I’m given the inevitable let’s just be friends, it’s not you it’s me, I’m not ready for a commitment, blah blah bullshit they all spew.  Is it because I’m apparently without?  Is it my fault I wasn’t born with the domestic gene? Likely; which seems damn unreasonable since I feel like me and plenty of other girls, are doing more important things for our guys.  They may think they’re simple, but we tolerate a hell of a lot.

My dating resume highlights an extreme tolerance for all things guy including but not limited to the following: bad hair, dirty bathrooms, ugly bedroom decor, obnoxious roommates/friends, stupid jokes, burps, farts, conversations about farts and poop, smelly feet, snoring, bad shoes, insecurities, anger issues, empty bank accounts, bad taste in music, video games, sports, drug use etc.  And I’m supposed to endure ALL of that, love you for who you are, and then clean, cook, and at the end of a long day, pretend to be interested having my face in your crotch.  I must be the luckiest girl in the world.

I could side with guys like always and say that they put up with about 100 more obnoxious and unfixable issues with us.  They’re supposed to shower us in compliments, tell us we’re always right, that we don’t look fat in anything, and basically surrender all male bravado, but is all that worth #1, #2, and especially #3?

On the bright side, I think there is a loophole:

I can keep my mouth shut regarding my opinions of the main three (excluding number 3 of course).  I could commit to being the ultimate girl with a dazzling resume full of pizazz and fun. Give in and let go of all my feminist whiles.  But once he puts a ring on it, I make it all disappear like it never happened.  Why do you think so many men are unhappily married? TC mark

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