So I’ve been living with my boyfriend for about four months now, and needless to say it’s been a combination of great and irritating. However, one thing I didn’t realize beforehand which is kind of irksome is how much he’d just be around all the time. Now don’t get me wrong, I love him and his presence dearly, and do feel like I can be myself around him, but there’s yourself and then yourSELF, if you know what I’m saying. I admit it, I do some things when I’m alone that would be considered pretty odd and/or revolting if done in front of witnesses, and I KNOW I’m not the only lady who does.
Luckily, my boyfriend got a gig out of town for two weeks, so my grossness was given its chance to flop out from behind the zipper of relationshipism. So in the name of solidarity and feminism, here is a list of the best and weirdest stuff I relish doing when I’m alone.
1. Pick boogers and flick them onto walls across the room.
This has become a game to see just how far I can get one to go. I don’t want to brag, but 10 feet is child’s play to me.
2. Take shamelessly long showers while singing “On My Own” from Les Miz.
Normally I’m very environmentally conscious, but sometimes this is necessary. And sometimes it’s also necessary to pee while showering because you don’t want to get the toilet seat all wet and you really have to go. Wow, it feels so good to finally say it out loud.
3. Put all the random ingredients you have in your cupboards together and bake it.
Cornstarch and flour do practically the same things, right? RIGHT?
4. Do anything you can think of naked.
The more mundane the better. Some ideas to get you started: making coffee, cleaning out the cat box, paying bills, vacuuming, hanging curtains.
5. Perfect every dance sequence from Newsies and perform it with utmost sincerity.
If you have pets, they can act as your audience so you can feel like you’re giving back to the community.
6. Watch A LOT of Say Yes To The Dress, or any wedding-related reality show.
Not that I’m planning anything…. It’s really just a study in sociology. Like how in the name of all that’s holy can that bitch spend $12,000 on a dress when she can’t pronounce the word taffeta correctly? These are important questions!
7. Attempt yoga moves you were always afraid to try in class.
And end up concussed, on fire, in an upside down pretzel, or all of the above.
8. Stalk exes and old crushes online, and laugh at their ugly wives and babies.
Or cry at their hot wives, and imagine in intricate detail what your life would’ve been like if you ended up with them. Sans ugly baby.
9. Go down long and terrifying pinterest holes for hours on end.
It started with Ikea hacks and somehow ended up on taxidermied kittens, and you sincerely don’t know how.
10. Look at your undercarriage with any reflective surface in the bathroom.
No matter how many times you return to it, your stuff is a total enigma, and you suddenly feel like anyone who goes down there regularly deserves an award.
11. Go days without showering, then scratch your scalp viciously and watch it snow.
This one is the perfect combination of awesome of gross, I just can’t get enough of it.
12. Clean stupidly. Like with tissues instead of sponges.
Takes way longer, but the sponges are SO FAR AWAY.
13. Eat anything in excess that would normally make you ill, and just ride the wave.
For me it’s cheese. I’ll just get a wedge of triple creme, a giant baguette, and take them down. Then wait a few hours and own the bathroom.
14. Model your entire wardrobe to classic Mariah Carey under the guise of cleaning out your closet.
Let’s face it. All I want for Christmas is blue leather pants.
15. Take all your face masks and mix them together to create one monster face mask and wear it for waaaaay too long.
It cleans your pores, smoothes out wrinkles, cleans away dead skin cells, AND freshens your breath all in one! Wait….
16. Never close the door when using the bathroom no matter what you’re doing.
If you have cats, they’ve seen it all before, and they don’t care, in fact they won’t admit it, but they like to watch.
17. Argue with yourself about where you put the tweezers.
Hey, the lady who sits in the park wearing four tutus does it, so why can’t you?
18. Tweeze EVERYTHING
If there’s an errant hair, you will find it. And you will take that guy out.
19. Fart audibly and often.
Yeah, you know you do it, and you know it’s the best feeling ever.
20. Heckle those animal rescue commercials for being unforgivably sad, then sob uncontrollably for an hour.
It’s happened. More than once. I’m not proud.
21. Create your own Look Who’s Talking movie with your pets and do all the voices.
And have outtakes where you’re yelling direction at them like Martin Scorsese.
22. Don’t brush your teeth for three days.
Cause you ran out of toothpaste, and it’s his turn to buy. Who are we if we don’t stick to our principles?
23. Eat everything you can out of jars with your fingers.
But don’t forget which finger you used to fling your booger…Oh NO!!