One of the main things I hear from clients and those on my email list is that they’re losing hope in dating and finding love. They’re full of despair and not sure if they can go on. This breaks my heart, because I know just how hard it is out there. And I also know that you can get a 2nd, 3rd, or 100th chance. Love is out there, waiting for you.
The struggles out there that women (and men alike) are feeling in dating are all too real. Ghosting, friends with benefits, going MIA, texting, over-analyzing, one night stands…the list goes on and on.
I’m not diminishing these struggles.
However, I also know that love is needed today more than ever, and there are still people out there wanting a committed relationship as much as you do.
In August I was flying from West Palm Beach back to my home in Portland when a kind, handsome, elderly man sitting next to me asked about the book I was reading.
I always get into conversations when I’m flying, so this was no surprise to me as we started talking about our personal lives. He told me he was in West Palm Beach visiting his girlfriend.
He’s 84 and she’s 81, they both outlived their spouses, and travel from California to Florida to visit each other every month or so. He chuckled and said, “We found each other on the internet…can you believe it?”
I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or cry.
I felt so inspired and warmed by this cheery, hopeful man. If he can find love, on the internet, after heartbreak, across the country, in his 80s, then you can, too!
It’s amazing to me how human beings find the motivation to keep going. To keep living and loving, despite the pain and grief and hopelessness we all inevitably experience along the way.
I’ve learned through my own dating and relationship failures, and helping my clients through theirs, that when you face struggles with an attitude of openness—open to the painful feelings and emotions you have—it’s not comfortable, but you can still step forward and be OK. I help women who are ready to give up hope on ever finding love here.
Peace of mind through dating is not necessarily being in a place where there is no trouble, overwhelm, or hard realities to deal with—peace of mind means to go through those situations while remaining calm in your head and strong in your heart.
One of the best ways to initiate this mindset shift is to practice daily reminders through powerful love mantras.
1. Right now, it’s like this.
I was doing my morning meditation when the voice guiding me on the audio said to embrace the mantra “Right now, it’s like this.” That struck a chord with me. Realize that most people make themselves miserable simply by finding it impossible to accept life just as it is presenting itself right now.
Let go of your ideal version of how things should be right now. This letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care about something or someone anymore. It’s just realizing that the only thing you really have control over is yourself in this moment. It can also mean that you’re willing to look at the same situation with new eyes and an open heart, and then taking one baby step forward.
2. The best way to move away from what I don’t want is to consistently move towards something I do.
Finding that ultimate relationship can take time. The key is in taking one small step, and then another, understanding that what you do in small steps on a daily basis changes everything in the long run. This concept might seem obvious, but when we’re feeling down about ourselves or our situation, we tend to look for instant gratification.
This is what often creates the cycle of going on dating apps, getting a few hits of instant gratification, only to feel lonely and lost again. Instead, go slow to get their fast. It truly is the best way.
3. Life changes every single minute, and so can I.
Never assume that you are stuck with exactly the way things are right now. When we get dumped, hurt again, disappointed by another or ourselves, there’s a tendency to assume the future holds more of the same. We don’t tend to do this when things are going well. In fact, we do the opposite.
We take the good times in the moment for all they’re worth and assume they can’t last forever. But when we’re struggling, lonely, or scared, it’s easy to create a lot more pain by assuming tomorrow will be just like today.
The challenging part about this is that it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. People have told me on my Instagram posts, “Alexis, you make it sounds so easy!” I know that it’s harder than a few sentences you’re going to read. But I also know this, that nothing is harder than not allowing yourself to move past the pain of what happened, and expect better for your future.
4. My experience wasn’t wasted because it made me stronger.
Effort is never wasted, even when it leads to disappointing results. It can make you stronger, wiser, resilient, and even happier in the long run. So when things get tough and you’re losing hope, be patient and keep going.
Just because you are struggling does not mean you are failing. When life is absolutely not going as you planned, when you are in the spot where you say, “I never saw myself here,” is it not a fail. What if you could look at your life and rather than hearing the punishing self-talk of “What is wrong with me?” Instead, in a calm and collected way, you hear “Wait. It seems the results of my beliefs and actions are giving me clear feedback that I am in misalignment. This is not a fail and I am not a fail. This is just an error message.”
5. Life is happening for me, rather than to me.
I worked for some time coaching Tony Robbins clients, and this was one of my favorite mantras he used. I can tell you from personal experience that I had a really difficult time getting over my first love. For years when nothing else was working out, I couldn’t help but think, “Maybe I made a mistake. I wish we had stayed together.” It seemed like I made a wrong choice, and life was happening to me, or maybe even against me.
Years later I got married and had my son. I look into his sweet little face and think, “Thank God it didn’t work out with anyone else.” When we are suffering, there is so much we can’t see that is actually coming together. Take the long view. Embrace an attitude that life is happening for you.