All The Things I’d Rather Do Than Deal With Modern Dating

Write a 20 page essay (with citations) about quantum physics by 8 a.m. tomorrow morning.

Brush my teeth after drinking a nice, tall glass of orange juice.

Marathon all of Nick Cage’s movies. Every. Single. One.

Write a 20 page essay analyzing every one.

Do my taxes.

Get my wisdom teeth removed.

Without taking any drugs.

Sing karaoke in front of a group of drunk, judgmental frat boys.

Hold a conversation with a group of drunk, judgmental frat boys.

Text every boy I’ve ever had a thing with, “Hey, u up???”

Follow up on every one of those texts.

Get a tattoo of the Chinese symbol for “water” on my neck.

Get every inch of my body waxed.

Spend all day on the phone making doctor appointments, even though I hate talking on the phone and get anxiety every time I think about any medical procedure ever.

Go to every one of those doctor appointments all in a row.

Listen to a club remix of one of Donald Trump’s speeches.

Listen to some dude try to explain my own profession to me.

Listen to Nickleback.

Wear shitty lipstick that smears all over your face.

Wear a bra every second of the day, even when I go to sleep.

Discuss Infinite Jest with someone I just met in a coffee shop.

Sit in rush hour traffic.

Discuss the pay gap with a meninest.

Re-watch the final season of How I Met Your Mother.

Pretend I don’t think Ted Mosby is insufferable.

Give up chocolate for a year.

Give up coffee for a day.

Pay for Tinder plus.

Use Tinder.

Write an article about all the things I’d rather do than deal with modern dating.