My first love story was not the best, but at the time I did not know any better. I thought that’s how it was for everyone. I thought that no matter what happened behind closed doors, you should put on a smile when facing the world. I knew a person with any self-respect didn’t air their dirty laundry in public. I believed every challenge to that relationship made me stronger, but it only left me more broken.
I read stories about love and I knew every love story had a moment when it would either end or it would come out stronger. I never wanted to give up on my story because I didn’t want to fail, and I didn’t want him to give up on me, even though one of my first memories of us was when he told me he would leave me behind if he could have a better life.
I never asked him to stay because I thought he didn’t mean it. He had been hurt and he didn’t have anyone else- so I tried to absorb all his pain. Old stories told me this would make me wiser, but it only left me more damaged.
He never left me but sometimes I wish he had. He put this fear in my mind that someone who could love you more than this world could leave you in an instant. Imagine learning to love that way. All I thought was to do whatever I could to make him stay, so he would never leave me.
Deep in my heart, I always knew how truly he loved me; he didn’t know how to show it and I don’t know if he ever tried to learn. It was my first love story, but he had had a love story before me; one where his heart got broken.
Looking back at our memories, I can understand that he was the way he was because of his painful past. But I also know that he should have known better instead of breaking my heart over and over again.
We think so little of someone when we hurt them, and the only time we realize it is when someone hurts us, because that’s how little they think of.
It is always easy to tell someone to be strong and walk away for your pride, but if you have ever ended a relationship – you would know it isn’t that easy. I wanted to belong somewhere.
It isn’t easy because there is love. I didn’t love him for who he was, I loved him for what he was to me. I continue to love him for the role I had created for him in my life.
My first love story was not a terrible story, but it was a little bit of bad timing and a few unfortunate circumstances.
I gave him the responsibility to make me happy and that is a lot to put on anyone.
I never looked for a solution because I never assessed my situation. Years after I left, I blamed myself for not leaving sooner. but at that time, I didn’t know much better.
Then, I met you.
You told me it was my responsibility to make myself happy, not yours. At first, I did not like that but slowly I learned. You helped me enhance my situations and taught me to deal with life’s complexities; adults have to behave like adults. Excuses can only take you so far.
You said relationships are a part of life and should never take over your whole life, especially not when it overshadows every other aspect of your being. You told me to take responsibility for my life.
You accepted accountability within yourself for what was happening around you. You were never insecure and you always felt complete. You told me it is important to learn to create yourself instead of being a reaction to the situations in your life, and you told me to learn to control my inner life because the outer life will never be under my control. That made me angry and I always knew anger was my biggest weakness.
Over time I learned my anger – which I saw as my power – was nothing more than unintelligent action that was self-defeating. It took me years to realize I was working against myself every time I got angry. Looking back- all the things I did and said when I was angry, were never smart.
No one wants to be around an angry person and I never realized that’s who I was many many times. I had this made-up perception that I could change a situation by being angry. The only situation that anger changed in my life was I lost people who meant a lot to me.
I began to rise to more possibilities and started to feel more competent. I think the constant awareness and realization that everything is fleeting is the most content way to view life for me, because I am not forcing anything but doing what I can in the moment.
I am slowly learning to let go of trying to control everything, especially others.
I thought I wanted a love story with drama and thrills. I felt I needed extravagance and over the top excitement- and a constant commotion.
Honestly, what I always truly wanted was balance in life, contentment in my heart, and peace in my mind. And a person to love me who didn’t expect anything in return because you taught me- love is not a transaction. Love is what a heart does best, without an agenda and without any manipulation.
Now more than ever, I’m glad I’ve got you.
Real love lets you just be, and guides you to find your own happiness. Your love helped make me strong and made me feel complete on my own.