So you’ve been texting with a new dude and said texts have now progressed past flirtatious and are just flat-out sexts. Awesome. But are you a little clueless as to how to interpret said sexts? What does that dude actually mean when he’s saying all those things?

Luckily I am the queen of sexting and I can interpret these confusing messages for you. Sit down, students, and learn. Perhaps we should call this Sexting 101?

PART ONE: SEXUAL EMOJIS

The “water droplets” emoji: Either means squirting or jizz
Eggplant emoji: Boners
Peach (fruit) emoji: Butt
Tongue: Clearly this means oral sex (This one squicks me out HARDCORE)
Tongue + droplets: Female oral sex
Blushing face: You’re turning me on AND freaking me out
Hearts-in-eyes face: I am loving everything you’re saying

PART TWO: WHAT DOES HE ACTUALLY MEAN?

“I’m so hard right now.”

Translation: I’m probably a little bit hard but I’m at work/school/using public transportation, so I’m trying not to get actually hard because that’s embarrassing.

“I bet you look hot right now.”

Translation: Send me a picture of your boobs.

“Your tits are so nice.”

Translation: Send me more pictures of your boobs.

“I’m drunk.”

Translation: Let’s bone. I’m using this as an excuse to say things to you that I wouldn’t say sober.

“I’m gonna fuck you so hard.”

Translation: I’m in my pajamas eating nachos, not actively thinking about fucking you.

“What do you wanna do to me right now?”

Translation: You do all the work here. I’m lazy and want to get off without a whole lot of work fantasizing on my own.

PART THREE: DICK PIC PET PEEVES

I don’t actually care what your dick looks like. I only like what it can DO to me. That said, if you really feel inclined to show me what it looks like …

DON’T

1. Include your socks. (This might be a personal pet peeve.)
2. EVER send a flaccid one.
3. Use the TV remote as a measurement device.
4. Send a picture using your dirty bathroom mirror.
5. Make it shiny. Ew.
6. Use MONEY to measure it. I do not want to see $2 in quarters on your fucking dick. MONEY IS DIRTY. I am not impressed by its length; I’m grossed out thinking of all the hands that touched that money. That shit is NOT going in my mouth without a proper sanitation.
7. Send them out of the blue. If I haven’t seen it in person, I don’t want to see it on the phone.
8. Include your face. HELLO, I can send this to my friends. And I probably will if it’s particularly a) impressive or b) hilarious.
9. No wedding rings, please.

DO

1. Reference the situation in some manner. We’re texting and you get hard? Show me.
2. Keep a little bit of hair down there. A shaved dick area freaks me out.
3. Be tasteful. I don’t mind a little bit of light stroking via video.
4. Consider lighting. Natural light is best.
5. Find your angles. Don’t make it look tiny!
6. Consider the backdrop. I can SEE the lady razor in your shower and I know you don’t have a girl roommate!
7. Ask before you send. Seriously. Be considerate. I know that you’d be happy getting 100000 surprise pics of my vagina, but you won’t be so settle your ass down. Just don’t blast a dick pic to me in the middle of the day when I’m in line at Starbucks. I will show the barista.

FOOLPROOF SEXTING IDEAS

• Boobs. Use the flip cam for the best angle. Plus, then you don’t need to show your face. Always have hard nipples, because they photograph better.

• “Oh my god” is much sexier than any other phrase when you’re strapped for anything creative to say.

• “And then what?” usually gets you a good story.

• Dudes are visual. Send them a video every once in awhile if you trust them. I like a good “soaping up the boobs,” but I’m good at holding my phone in the bathtub. Don’t try that if you’re clumsy.

• Know that he will probably show SOMEONE. Therefore, don’t send anything you’re not comfortable with.

• Know you look hot? Take a picture. It’ll make his day, even if it’s just a picture of your shoes.

• I am not ashamed of using the “winky” face. It conveys flirting.

• Don’t sext with anyone you don’t trust. I have to say this a few times for your protection. If anything, SCREENSHOT THAT SHIT when he sends you a bad dick pic so you can use it one day if you need to. I mean … nevermind.