5 Reasons To Date A Man With Erectile Dysfunction

They're sort of like dogs, in that "running to the door to greet you when you come home from work" and, honestly, it's a pretty nice feeling.

By Chelsea Fagan

Updated 8 years ago, September 16, 2016

The internet is a wonderful place. With a flick of the wrist, you can get detailed information on nearly every subject of human knowledge, AND find that one actor with the facial hair’s name on IMDb. You can also, if you are a man with a deep resentment of women and basic writing skills, start an MRA website and troll away to your heart’s content. Whether you’re stuck slogging it out in subReddits and attempting to get your paperwork together to move to Eastern Europe, or are making entire articles with the thinly-veiled purpose of getting back at the girl in high school who didn’t want you, there is now a home for your impotent rage. My personal favorite of these websites, the always-refreshing Return Of Kings, went viral not so long ago with their article “5 Reasons To Date A Girl With An Eating Disorder.” Many people were justifiably angry, and some even attempted to contextualize it in a sociological way. I am more interested, personally, in using it as a jumping-off point for the very obvious counterpoint. Here, the 5 indisputable reasons to get with a guy who can’t get it up:

His vicious insecurity will encourage him to spend his money on you.

If a guy is buying the bottle of champagne before he’s even hit it, you can trust that the dick game is WEAK. But this is a good thing. You can get sex anywhere, what you really need is the kind of guy who is going to be reserving rooms at the W hotel for your six-month anniversary trip. We shouldn’t settle when it comes to what they’re willing to spend, and the best way to guarantee it is dating a guy with no self-worth.

He is guaranteed to be a beta.

I know what you’re thinking: “I would rather walk barefoot across a river of hot coals than be seen in public with a BETA MALE!” and, in theory, I agree with you. But let’s think about this rationally: The “attraction” period of a relationship is going to last, what, two years maximum? Once that fades away — and two years is not that long to wait — you’re going to want someone who isn’t going to put up too much of a fight when it comes to getting his way. Do you really want to be hashing it out tooth and nail every time you want to renovate the kitchen on his dime? No. You want the kind of guy whose credit card you can take while walking out the door, with only a brief kiss on the cheek in return.

His standards are low.

If you aren’t that much of a catch — and let’s be honest, most of us aren’t — our sexual power is still enough to net a top-tier guy, provided he is cripplingly embarrassed about what is going on in his pants. Date up, date better, and date someone who is going to feel lucky to have you. We can’t be spending our whole lives improving ourselves and worrying about how we appear to our partners, right? Settle down with the flaccid guy and put on those sweatpants, life is much too short to work for the approval of anyone you are genuinely attracted to.

He’ll be easier to cheat on.

This should go without saying, but come on. It just makes sense. You can’t spend your WHOLE relationship stewing in your desire to be with the man he could never be, you have to act on it at least once in a while.

He’ll always be trying to prove himself.

Sure, it can be nauseating to have someone’s entire self worth dependent on an offhand compliment from you, but if you toss him a bone of “yeah, that was good,” after an elaborate oral sex session, or tell him that you love him unprovoked, you’ve made his whole week. They’re sort of like dogs, in that “running to the door to greet you when you come home from work” and, honestly, it’s a pretty nice feeling. They are aware of their leper status, they know that the fact that a woman is touching them is a pretty big compliment, and they’re going to do everything in their power to earn a position of respect in your eyes. He’ll never get it, of course, but it will be cute to see him try.