Everyone is an idiot when it comes to matters of the heart. Love is the great equalizer. Whenever you feel intimidated by someone’s coolness, just imagine them sobbing in their bedroom after someone broke their heart. I guarantee it’s happened.
Everyone knows peer pressure and drugs make it cool to be gay now. Haven’t you seen Glee and other ways the mass media glorify homosexuality?
A gift certificate to their local neighborhood drug dealer, condoms, a body pillow to replace the boyfriend they don’t have, worldwide acceptance of homosexuality, and, of course, a blowjob.
While the man is occasionally the smaller spoon, it is common knowledge that any man who acts as the little spoon any more than five percent of the time has little to no say in the relationship.
When a friend asks you why you can’t come to an all-night rager, you simply send them a picture of Lindsay Lohan circa today and write, “Because I don’t want this to happen to me.”
I really wish that Laura Linney’s brother murdered her at the end. They need at least one plotline where love actually results in murder.
Pretty Facebook Girls, you are the unicorns of the social media world. Your life is a blur of candid photos that somehow come out looking like something that would win a week’s competition on America’s Next Top Model, and other girls subtly remarking on how cripplingly jealous they are of you in comments that are meant to look joking.
Oh, you’re going to just tell your crush how you really feel about them? You’re just going to do that and ignore my advice, which was don’t text them back for two days and avoid exclamation points?
Now it’s time to check out and also time to ask yourself: “What’s my highest-performing investment of the year?” The answer is Chipotle.
3. Picture yourself together with them one day. Like a wishful psychic having visions of the future you want.
Lonely is allowing this freedom from judgment to take root in your life, to become a reason to let things go.
You end up busy with work, friends, family, dating, and your trivia league, but how much down time do you have?
The Internet will hurt your feelings. You will find out information you wish you never knew and maybe you’ll go so far as to even cry! Imagine that: a machine you spent over a grand on is making you weep.
The conversation always goes like this. They’ll advise you to break up with them. “If it’s that bad, get out!” But the thing is: it’s not bad.
The overachiever is always the first person in the seminar to use words like “hermeneutics.” They come to class with detailed notes, typed, of course, so as to more easily access their flashes of brilliance.
A person tells you that New Haven isn’t that safe, but YOU will be A-OK because you’re black. Want to tell them that they will be OK at Bergdorf’s because they are white.
