Tessah Schoenrock

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I don’t care what anyone else says, I love you. I’ve loved you since you had long hair they crimped to make you look like a mermaid and were doing choreography straight from the “Exhausted Go-Go-Dancer Handbook for Up and Coming Pop Stars” on the cheap set of “Pon de Replay.”

I’m not sayin’ I’m a gold digger… but I probably could be. Everybody has their limits, though — even those girls on Millionaire Matchmaker (read: the Jason “Gummi Bear” Davis episode). Here are five Rich Dudes that are absolutely, definitely NOT on my list of theoretical Rich Baby Daddys.

I’m not a “clean purse” kind of gal. I’m the type that treats her purse as a safe-cum-trashcan-cum traveling pantry. My boyfriend is legitimately afraid to look in there, just because he found an old Taco Bell burrito inside of it ONE TIME.

Post-shower, I figured it out and grabbed one of my mom’s maxi pads from under the sink. I struggled with the protective wings for a while before giving up and taping the damn thing to my underpants with Scotch tape. “This can’t be right,” I told myself as I squelched around swathed in what was surely the adult equivalent of a diaper.

I lived in Long Beach, CA for about six years while I futzed around at college. Yeah, it took me 5.5 years to finish college, what about it? Anyway, my last year there, I lived in a beautiful house on a corner in one of the worst neighborhoods in the city. During the 18 months I lived there, I witnessed a slew of events that can only be characterized as part of life in the hood.

Ultimately, there are way too many guys out there who consider these sex acts to be appropriate and/or arousing. Just because you saw it in a porn flick doesn’t mean it’s sexy IRL. In fact seeing it in a porn flick is a good indicator of what NOT to do in bed.

When you go out, you always end up getting too messed up due to a combination of accepting too many free drinks from losers and drinking by yourself in the corner while your friends meet nice, college-educated guys with jobs.

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