Thought Catalog
April 1, 2013

Jon Hamm Needs To Stop Dressing Like a Total Slut

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Helga Esteb / Shutterstock.com
Helga Esteb / Shutterstock.com

It seems like Jon Hamm’s penis has enjoyed its literal moment in the sun. Much to the chagrin of the man behind the appendage, photographs of his bulge have made the rounds on entertainment websites and tumblr blogs. While his displeasure is understandable, it takes away from the greater point. Jon Hamm needs to stop dressing like a total slut.

Let’s be real for a second. Wearing a clingy, form-fitting pair of slacks gives the impression that a man is DTBP (Down To Be Photographed). If Jon Hamm didn’t want this type of attention, he shouldn’t have put so much focus on his body by dressing like that. If you didn’t want everyone to stare at your hog, maybe you should have thought of that earlier and donned some more modest apparel. Next time you go out, try not wearing pants like a whore. Maybe consider a loose, flowing kimono or a pair of MC Hammer-style genie pants. They may be less comfortable for you to wear, but they’ll certainly give the rest of us a break from your shameless penis-peddling.

As a famous person/role model, Jon Hamm needs to be conscious of how he presents himself in the public eye. There are thousands of young men across the country who look up to him. Maybe this kind of salacious pants-wearing fashion is fine for an adult, but what about the children? Do we really want America’s boys parading their dongs around like some kind of back-alley Chinatown meat market? I for one do not.

Look, I’m not trying to police Jon Hamm’s body. I’m just looking out for his safety. When the media sees the rippling curve of a man’s body, it can’t help itself. On the street, magazines and websites will inevitably holler out things like: “Do those legs go all the way up to your penis?” and “Can I get a side of fries with that penis?” That’s not out of line. It’s just how a press outlet shows that it’s interested.

Really, Jon Hamm got off easy here. With his hog flopping around for the whole world to see, he could have been forced into a car accident by voracious paparazzi like Princess Diana. We all know that photographers lose control when they spot the seductive body of a celebrity. They can’t help it. It’s in their nature. And just by going outside, Jon Hamm was kind of asking for it.

Yeah, I said it. Asking for it. Honestly, what did Jon Hamm think was going to happen? You strut your stuff looking like you want to be photographed, and you’re going to get photographed. Especially if you’ve been drinking. We all get that no means no, but a guy just traipsing around town with his wang pressed up against his pants like a kid’s nose on a pet store window is sending a pretty clear signal to the world. Jon Hamm’s comments to the press about his “privacy” and the media’s “prurience” are what we commonly call “playing hard to get.”

If he didn’t want people taking his picture, why did he just stand there and let it happen? If he hadn’t wanted it, he should have done something to stop it. He could have called the police. He could have fought back with physical force. But he didn’t. So, obviously, Jon Hamm wanted the attention and was happy he got it. Otherwise, he wouldn’t traipse around Los Angeles like a trollop.

So please, Jon Hamm, stop acting like such a tramp. You left your home wearing snug clothing while being famous, and therefore you lose the right to complain. You brought this on yourself. Think about it this way. Did Pearl Harbor practically demand to be bombed by splaying itself seductively across the South Pacific? Yes. Of course. When bad things happen, it is always the fault of the person they happened to. Haven’t you ever listened to a college sophomore paraphrase Nietzsche? Who really photographed Jon Hamm’s penis? Was it the photographer who took the picture, or was it the man who presented it like a selection of deli products at a Jewish funeral? I think we all know the answer. Put that dick under wraps, Hamm, before you make people take pictures of it again. TC mark

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