1. I’m wondering if I could pick your brain about something: Help me please I am dying.
2. Looking forward to your thoughts!: Respond to me promptly, asshole.
3. Just wanted to follow up: Why the F have you not responded to my last note.
4. I happened to notice your great work on ____ : I’ve spent 3+ hours painstakingly researching your past work in an attempt to ingratiate myself with you.
5. That’s fair: You win this round, Dr. Doom…
6. Let’s circle back on this: I can’t deal with u right now.
7. Great! (1 exclamation point): Sure, whatev.
8. Great!! (2 exclamation points): I agree, and want you to like me.
9. Great!!!!!! (3+ exclamation points): Either I am desperately trying to ingratiate myself with you, or, have just had my fourth cup of coffee.
10. Great. (no exclamation points): I hate you.
11. Gre34%111at!!!!!: I am on Adderall.
12. Best: We don’t know each other and never will.
13. The one initial sign-off: We’re chill as hell.
14. Regards: I am over 40.
15. YOLO: I am an asshole whose friends refer to me only by my last name.
16. I know you’re busy…: You never respond to me and you’re not that important.
17. Thanks so much for your understanding: Email — Making passive aggression exponentially easier since the early ’80’s.
18. Can’t help with this at the moment, but I’ll let you know if anything comes up!: Already forgotten what you were asking me.
19. Let’s move forward with the current plan: If we spend one more minute deliberating on this I will be physically ill.
20. Thanks so much!!: Sure, whatev.
21. Please advise: No really. F*cking help me now!