Thought Catalog
February 10, 2017

Do No Harm, Take No Shit And Remember — Everybody Is a Mirror (So Take Accountability For What Is Yours)

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Ali Kaukas
Ali Kaukas

I once was dating a man who had the tendency to be the victim in his business.

I got on a call with my coach and said, “I’m going to fucking lose it. I can’t be dating somebody who is a victim. I don’t think this can work.”

He said, “Janne the part of you that is irritated with him is the part of you that is irritated with yourself for when you are or have been a victim in your past. The way to heal it is to be empathetic and compassionate towards yourself and then the irritation with him externally will go away.”

This is one of the biggest lessons I have had in my life to this day.

Our internal world always mirrors our external world.

We are essentially walking around vomiting our unconscious shit on other people and then getting mad at them.

Learning how to own this, is incredibly empowering for it allows us to move from being the victim in our lives to being an empowered accountable human being who takes ownership over both our light and our shadow.

This last week I have realized that I have a habit of choosing both men and people to work with who don’t show up—or who I believe aren’t showing up in a way that meets my emotional needs/expectations.

I was entertaining a lack of accountability, and making stories as to why it was okay.

From everyone to people I contract to work with me, to lawyers, to people I was dating—full circle.

I hit a hard stop and this week put my foot down in 5 different places/relationships.

I went hard stop on niceties and trusting and waiting and being patient.

I demanded the respect I believe I deserved, walked away from certain things, and held people accountable.

And to be honest, although I knew it was loving—it didn’t feel totally good.

It doesn’t feel good because on some level I believe that I am reverse wired to think that people not showing up is okay—that I have entertained it for so long that sticking up for myself and saying, “Yo, show up” feels wrong.

But, where is it coming from?

Where is this “Fuck” frustration coming from?

Why am I attracting in people who don’t show up?

Our internal mirrors our external—back to square one.

My father didn’t show up—he didn’t choose to raise me. And I have spent 1000 of dollars on self growth and banged cushions and yelled and wrote affirmations and done the shit around it, except sometimes our pain and beliefs are like those whackamole things, you hit it down and it just pops up again.

My story that I operate from and live from that I realized this week is that people don’t show up for me, and not only that—that I show up more than anybody in my life and have the highest level of accountability.

And so I manifest it, over and over again.

Even in my talent manager saying, “Of all my clients, you are the biggest doer. You show up hard for your business.”

I am constantly let down by the way men show up in love, how people show up I hire in business and guess what, I am the curator of these experiences.

I am sitting creating this same habitual story over and over again from my belief.

It’s so gross.

And it isn’t anybody’s fault that is out there—it’s all mine.

So now I heal again, take my beliefs by the balls and create new loving beliefs that serve me. TC mark