March 13, 2014

35 Flight Attendants And Pilots Share The Most Obnoxious Thing A Passenger Has Done Mid-Flight

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What is the issue?
I’ve never encountered an obnoxious traveler — maybe screaming babies, but that was the worst of the bunch. Read on for the most obnoxious thing a person has done on a flight. Check out this cool Reddit thread for more stories.
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1. Classic bitch syndrome

I’m a pilot. Obviously the last few days have been a zoo, and Chicago has been hellish. We were going from Chicago to Milwaukee and back and then we were done with a four-day trip, so we were definitely wanting to get on with it and go home.

We were all boarded and waiting for the de-ice truck to come spray us because it was snowing. After waiting for over an hour for the truck, they finally spray us down and we start pushing back. As we are pushing, the flight attendant calls up and tells us there’s a lady that wants to get off the airplane. We tell her we can’t, so the lady then tells the flight attendant that her baby is having a medical emergency and has to get off. Fine. We pull back up to the gate and let her off, the baby looks fine mind you, and ask her if she needs paramedics. She denies medical attention and refused to take the baby to the clinic that is literally 50 feet away.

They had checked bags, so we had to call rampers to dig through the cargo hold to find their bags. Finally, we had them off and we were getting ready to go again, about 2 hours late at this point. As we were getting ready to close the door, the gate agent ran up and said that when the lady found out that we were the last flight up to Milwaukee, she begged to get back on the airplane and come with us. The captain and I looked at each other in shock, told the gate agent there was no way in hell she was getting back on the airplane, and got out of there.

TL;DR – Lady feigns her child’s illness to get off the airplane. After delaying the flight, she wants to get back on and come with us.

2. Suit and seafood don’t mix

My dad was on a flight to got somewhere for vacation. Everyone was well into the flight when this guy in a nice suit had this liquid pouring onto him from the overhead cabin. The guy screamed out, “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!” and without missing a beat this little old lady with a thick southern accent says, “Das my Shrimp!” (Mind you this was pre 9/11, so she was somehow able to get frozen shrimp on a plane.) Rough day for that guy…

3. Ouch, that one stung

I once got a seat next to a 6’6″, 400 lb, line-backer, mammoth of a fat man. The arm rests could not go down. His leg was literally on top of mine and my torso hung out into the isle. After takeoff, I get out of the seat and stood in the back of the plane (until final approach). The nice flight attendant said, “sorry about that. I don’t know why they put the two biggest guys next to each other.” It was then that I realized I was the second FATTEST person on the plane. :( I have since lost weight.

4. Don’t do this

I used to work for an airline which meant I got to fly for free as a standby passenger. This is called “non-revving” (non-revenue passenger). So this one day I’m taking a flight to New York as a non-rev and there is a girl from our airline who worked as a gate agent on there with a bunch of her friends. non-revving is a delicate thing sometimes, there are a lot of rules that the airline makes you follow so you don’t tarnish their image, I almost got denied entry once because I wasn’t wearing dress shoes. These girls get boarded and immediately start acting like stupid bitches. it’s warm in the plane so clearly the APU hasn’t been connected to allow the plane power to run the AC. As soon as the APU is connected and activated the AC is turned on and something starts blowing out the vents. at this point the plane is fully boarded but people are still putting shit in the overheads and stuff. what looks like steam or dust or mist or something starts coming out these vents and one of the stupid girls friends decides to shout (jokingly) “FIRE! THERE’S A FIRE ON THE PLANE!”

ON A FULLY… BOARDED… FLIGHT.

The flight attendants did not find this hilarious and they were all escorted off.

5. If someone says something multiple times, it MUST be important

When I was flying night helicopter “strip tours” up and down the Vegas strip, despite the video briefing which mentioned several times that no flash photography was permitted and my own verbal briefing mentioning this again, people would regularly take flash photos during the flight. It just blows my mind that people would think it’s ok to temporarily blind the pilot who’s flying them.

6. Uh, this actually turned out to be REALLY COOL

Not a flight attendant, just an obnoxious passenger. When I was about 8, I flew to the US for the first time from England before finally moving here a year and a half later. This flight took off at about 10pm, so it was an overnight, and as an 8-year-old, I got bored about half way through and couldn’t sleep. The flight was only about half full, so I started exploring.

About 5 or 6 rows up (not at all in first class) was a fairly large gentleman who was still awake, and there was no one else around, so I started talking to him. He was friendly, and told jokes, and had candy, and the flight attendant kept on bringing us drinks and peanuts long after they stopped even looking at everyone else, which was cool. They also kept on apologizing to him, and asking if he wanted them to make me leave him alone, which I thought was funny.

Some time later, I ended up falling asleep next to him, and he got me a blanket, and let me rest. When I woke up, my mother was apologizing profusely and was dragging me off him and ushering me to the back of the plane (both my parents smoked and this was the 80s). When we got back there, she scolded me for embarrassing her, and then didn’t talk to me for the remainder of the flight (she was grumpy like that).

As we were getting off the plane, he came over and told my mother that it was okay, and that I kept him entertained, and that he hates flying by himself, and then he gave me a hug and signed something for her. It wasn’t till a few years later that she finally explained to me that the guy from the plane was Meatloaf. Still to this day my coolest “I met a celebrity” story, especially when he hit it big again a few years later and I could actually put some substance behind who he was!

7. Double the food for you

My father was a pilot and my mother was a flight attendant. I’ve always said my mom should write a book.

In the 1960s, my mom’s route was LA-NY and back (1st class cabin) so it always had a famous person or two, actors were always the worst for her. Most notable was being manhandled by Robert Goulet as he proceeded to tell the whole plane that he had sex with her (didn’t happen). After my mom asked Lucille Ball what she would like to drink, Lucille Ball replied “I don’t talk to servants.” Johnny Carson was also an a-hole to flight attendants. He would put a sign on his seat which read “Yes I am him, no I don’t want a drink.”

My mom also said that musicians were always the most kind. Her favorites were Jim Morrison and The Mammas & the Pappas. She always said, if they seemed nice on TV they usually weren’t. And those who had the worst reputations were usually the nicest.

My dad didn’t interact with passengers so he didn’t have any good stories. The only thing he talked about was ferrying football teams. Whenever he hauled John Madden’s Raiders, they’d have to double up on flight meals because if a player played well, Madden would give that player two meals.

8. Okay, turns out Lucy is a real jerk

My uncle worked for a major airline and was told a famous story about how a flight attendant could not speak to Lucille Ball and had to ask her assistant what Ball would want to drink. Another story was that a flight attendant accidentally dropped a glass of water on Ball. Lucille kept saying it was ok, and asked for another glass of water. When the attendant came back with it, Lucille threw it right back saying “How do you like it?”

9. Definitely not something you’d like to wake up to

Not my story, but a friend who is long haul.

It was lights out over half way into the flight. You know, most people are trying to sleep. Some reading etc. There’s a young couple sitting on the side (recently engaged it would turn out) and a middle-aged man sitting a row back but in the middle row of seats. Both the girl and the solo dude are isle seats. My friend remembers walking past the couple, both asleep.

At some point there’s a commotion and screaming in the dark. Attendants quickly head over to find the girl crying and that her fiancee had just dropped the solo guy in the isle. (still conscious).

After calming everyone down, it turned out the solo guy had got up and masturbated into the girls hair while she slept. Fiancee wakes, sees the jizz in her hair, guy still standing beside her. Does what any guy would do.

The flight girls had to clean her up and my friend had the foresight to take a sample. Male crew, including the captain had to diffuse the situation with the men. I think first protocol is to separate anyone violent. Because the Captain asked crew and nearby passengers who saw the punch. The solo guy was also angry and demanding charges. No one saw anything, on account of everyone had seem semen in this girls hair and working out that this guy is a fucker.

Solo guy became quite agitated and people start working out he was drunk, not dazed. He ends up pushing a male attendant whose trying to calm him. Not sure if that one incident was all it took for him to be restrained, but that’s exactly what happened.

The way I understand it, he was cuffed for the remainder of the flight, and the first people in or out of the door upon landing were cops.

10. What’s wrong with you people

Not a flight attendant but my father worked for an airline for over 30 years and shared this story with me based on one of his colleagues’ experiences. On a flight from JFK to Heathrow post 9/11, while the plane was about 4th or 5th in line for take-off an American lady demanded to be let off the plane. The attendant naturally refused since the doors were closed and they were almost at the runway. The lady went nuts and called 911 from her cellphone and said she was an American citizen being held against her will on a foreign airline and they were about to take off and she was going to be taken to another country. In about 3-4 minutes police and FBI vans surrounded the plane, pulled her out and grounded the flight pending further investigation. In the end she was just a nutjob who ruined everyone’s flight.
TLDR: crazy american lady calls 911 before take off, says she is being kidnapped, feds surround plane, flight gets canceled.

11. Protip: Be nice to the crew. Or else

First, let me preface this entire thing. About 90% (I did the math and as everyone knows, pilots are good at math*) of the posts here revolve around one personality. The person that thinks the crew is out to get them. Here’s the bottom line – tell your friends: We want to get to the destination as much or more as the passengers do. We often have a VERY short time in our hotel to get dinner, sleep, and be back at the airport for another day already. Delays cut into that. If it is our go home leg, we’ll chew through steel to get home. But everything we do is about safety first. The company may fight us on that, but it’s our lives and we do our best to keep the flight safe. So, if there is a delay it is either warranted or out of our control. Also, we only get paid when the aircraft door is closed, so while we are sitting there waiting, we aren’t on the clock. (There are airlines with different pay rules, but the vast majority follow this structure).

K story time: It was a bad weather day into St. Louis. We got struck by lightning. It happens. We get priority to land because we can’t be sure what damage occurred. Once on the ground, I do a walk around and see the damage. The outbound flight, the last of the night, is cancelled because the plane is down for what I would think are obvious reasons.

We didn’t have a hotel for the night, as we were supposed to take the plane back out. So while waiting for news from crew scheduling, we were supporting the gate agent. Man, people were PISSED. Insisting we go. I point out the window at the melted wingtip and large scorch mark on the aircraft. One lady got in my face and screamed, “Do you think I give a fuck about your paint job?! Get me on that plane and get me home, or you’ll be sorry!”
Needless to say, that lady didn’t go on any flight with us the next day. Don’t fuck with gate agents (or crews that are nice to them).

*We are horrible at math. That whole math this is a myth. Math is dangerous in a cockpit.

12. This lady just didn’t understand height and width = really uncomfortable

I used to regularly fly those tiny commuter planes, the ones that have 1 seat on one side, 2 on the other, with maybe 14 rows.

Most of the time it was fine and I would book one of the first few seats on the single seat side, but one trip I was unlucky enough to be in the first row of two, window seat. This being unlucky, given I am 6’2″ with a football player build (broad).

I go to sit down and ask the woman on the aisle if she wouldn’t mind moving in to the window, to which she responds with a glare, then lots of groaning and moaning as she gets up to let me through.

As soon as I sit down, she immediately starts hitting me with her elbows, trying to shove me off the armrest, which is futile given that side of the plane physically prevents me from sitting up straight. Not a word is said to me this entire time.

She finally gets pissed off enough, pushes the call button, and proceeds to berate the flight attendant about how rude it is to have me sitting there taking up her space and how she can’t sit like this for the entire flight (45 minutes). Mind you, she still hasn’t said a single word to me.

After getting complained at, the flight attendant just smiles at me and informs the woman that there is an empty seat, moving her to the very last row of the plane. While she complains the entire time about how this is bullshit and she’s going to sue everyone.

That flight attendant. Bless her.

13. HEY I’M BUSY

I was taking a shit, and the flight attendant opened the door because I was taking too long thinking I passed out. As much as it was for good intention, a simple knock & ask if I was okay would’ve sufficed.

14. Please don’t disturb my downward dog

I get that on long flights you want to get up and stretch your legs a little, no problem. But on a 45 minute express flight is it really necessary to get up and start doing yoga in the back galley? Get out of my way so I can finish serving drinks to the other 70 passengers on board.

15. Powder your face elsewhere

I was on a red eye flight to London once. In the morning when everyone was getting up to pee after being asleep this one lady decided to spend about 20 minutes in the bathroom putting her makeup on. So much hate.

16. I feel like flight attendants don’t get paid enough to deal with all your shit

I’ve been punched in the face, propositioned, witnessed multiple couples try to get it on in the seats, had one couple try to do it in the galley, had my butt pinched, watched arguments break out over seats being reclined, been told the quality of ginger ale I serve is not of a high enough caliber, seen bare feet on bulkhead walls at face level, seen bare feet ever, had someone try to stow their luggage on my jumpseat shortly before landing, and had trash dumped on my food tray while I was still eating from it.

17. This is heartbreaking

This was in the late 1970s. I was seated on a plane when a very young girl, maybe 5 at the most, was flying unaccompanied. She was escorted to her seat by her grandparents who were loving and kissing her goodbye. They nestled a padded cooler under her feet and said goodbye, crying and holding tissues to their eyes. She was returning from a visit and on her way back home from Maryland to California.

The attendants checked on her regularly and she was so quiet and well behaved. But she kept unbuckling her belt to bend down and unzip the cooler and check inside. She seemed to be getting more distressed as the flight from Maryland to California progressed. I finally asked her “do you have a pet mouse in there?” with a smile “…or maybe a rabbit?”

She looked up at me and her eyes welled up with tears. “No it’s Maryland crab cakes.” Then she burst into tears. “Mommy said to bring home Maryland crab cakes so nana packed them. Mommy told me to not lose the crabcakes or she’d spank me forever. What if someone takes my crab cakes?” She just just started to sob. “I can’t lose the crab cakes. I can’ttttttttttt lose the crab cakessssssssssss.”

The passenger ahead of her was a good-old-boy used car salesman type who turned around and said “Shaddup KID.”

I was so heartbroken for this kid who felt such pressure to deliver mom’s precious cargo to her. I said “Let’s lock them up with a magic key.” We zipped up the cooler case, the I made as if I was locking it. I put my invisible key inside her pocket. “There. no one can take your crab cakes. Now you can take a nap or read if you like.” She said “Okay. You have to watch them for me also.” I said “You bet.”

Once we landed and she was escorted off the plane by the attendant, her mother was waiting for her in the gate. She took the cooler from the girl and said “Come on.” Mom turned around and walked ahead of the girl, carrying the cooler and she didn’t take the girl’s hand or anything.

The girl was ahead of me several paces and turned around and waved at me as she followed her crab cake delivery.

I think about her constantly. She’s an adult now and I hope she is happy.

18. Kind of an annoying troll

I don’t fly for a major airline, but for a smaller company in northern Canada. The plane I fly only has 8 seats, so when I have a full load of people, one person has to sit up front with me in the right seat.
One time I was flying with a full load, and the guy beside me was just one of those cocky, annoying guys that thinks they’re always right. About 5 minutes after take-off he asked me if I knew where we were. I told him exactly where we were, and then another couple minutes later he said we were going the wrong way. Being cautious, I checked my gps and my other nav aids which all indicated I was on track to my destination. I told him he’s mistaken, and pointed straight ahead of us telling him that was where we needed to go. He then pointed over his right shoulder and said we should be heading back that way. By this time I knew the guy was an idiot.

For the rest of the flight he just kept shaking his head and I kept trying to ignore him.

After we landed at our destination I just gave him the “how about you just let the pilots do the navigating from now on” look.

TL;DR Passenger tried telling pilot they were going the wrong way when they actually weren’t.

19. Go away, ‘batin

I myself am not a flight attendant, but, when I was maybe 7 or 8 I was on a flight home from Italy. Me and my parents were in the center aisle, and to our left was an older couple. The wife was rubbing her husbands very obvious erection through his trousers. I noticed and pointed it out to my mom- who pointed it out to the flight attendant. Right away the flight attendant went over to them and politely asked, on behalf of my parents, if they could refrain from that behavior since there were children in the area. They responded rudely that they weren’t doing anything. After the flight attendant moved on they actually pulled his schlong out and put a magazine over the blatant HJ action.

Eye contact was made, innocence was lost, and that flight attendant gained a story to tell on reddit.

20. Seriously, be nice

Pilot here. Girlfriend is a flight attendant. Personally, I haven’t seen too much go wrong. Just the usual tantrums over bags and missed connections (protip: if you book a 30 minute connection, you will miss it). Pilots have the luxury of the locked door, but she is locked in the back with some nasty people sometimes.

Like the time when a middle aged man screamed at her for a few minutes during a 25 minute flight because she ran out of apple juice.

Like the time when a man asked for a glass of water during a tarmac delay. After delivering said glass of water, he dumped it on her head.

Like the time when a man heckled her during the safety demo to the point of a needing to return to the gate to escort him from the aircraft.

Like the many times when a passenger insists that their bag will fit in the overhead, forcing it so hard that it breaks the bin, and requires a 4 hour delay to repair.

Please, be polite to your flight crews! :)

21. Gun to head

Dora the Explorer without earphones on a night flight.

22. You’re asking for the impossible right now

A friend of mine was a flight attendant who told me that a guy called the air hostess and very politely asked if the pilot could shut off one of the jet engines so his son could sleep peacefully.

23. Wait, did that just happen?

My husband flies a lot for work (he makes Delta Diamond every year), so he’s got a ton of crazy stories about insane passengers; the most recent and ridiculous, however, took place on a trip back from Hawaii.
While he’s waiting to board the plane, he’s noticing a distinct smell of body odor. He’s doing the whole “wait, shit, is that me?” panic, trying to surreptitiously sniff his own armpits, when he notices that a bunch of the other people waiting are all doing the exact same thing. Figuring that it’s either someone else, or that there are, like, a stockpile of raw onions nearby, he stops thinking about it. Until they board.

Because of all his Delta miles, he’s in first class, in the aisle seat. He sits down, and pulls out a book. The window seat next to him is empty, and stays that way for a while, so he’s thinking, cool — empty row! Then, just as boarding is finishing, suddenly, this horrible, pungent smell just FILLS the cabin. It’s so bad that he said literally every passenger in first class reacted, snapping their heads up to see what in the smelly hell just walked on the plane.

It was a young-ish woman, probably late 20’s, early 30’s. Very hippie-chick style, wearing sort of a flow-y top over a tank top. And she smelled like she had not bathed in daaays. Seriously, best guess is that she’d spent a week at a sweat lodge, and hadn’t cleaned herself since. And, of course, she plopped herself down right next to my husband.

Now, like I said, he’s a seasoned traveler, so he’s used to a lot, and his tolerance is pretty fucking high, but he said this woman’s smell was so bad that his eyes immediately started watering. The flight attendant came over, and the woman ordered a Mai Tai; then she pulled out a book, and started highlighting passages. Meanwhile, call buttons are beginning to light up like crazy, with pretty much every other passenger on the plane being all, “Oh, HELL no” about being stuck in a metal box from Hawaii to L.A. with someone who smells like she fucked every member of Phish back in 2006, and vowed to never bathe again.

Anyway, over the next fifteen minutes while this woman sits there reading obliviously, my husband watches as the poor flight attendants have multiple whispered, nervous conversations at the front of the plane, all the while staring at this smelly lady. My husband is alternating between texting me in horror and making eye contact with the attendants, and he’s doing the Wide-Eyes-of-Terror at them, and they’re nodding at him and Wide-Eyeing right back. By this time, my husband is nervous that he’s going to get a migraine because the smell is so overwhelming, and people nearby are wrapping shirts around their faces to combat the odor. Finally, the gate agent approaches. She asks the woman to follow her to the front, where apparently, they gave her some soap and a new shirt, and sent her into the bathroom.

A few minutes later, she emerged wearing a new shirt, but still smelling atrocious (“THEY GAVE HER SOAP, BUT NO INSTRUCTIONS,” my husband texts miserably. “Can’t they SEE she doesn’t know what to do with it? SOAP IS HARD FOR HER”). She sits back down, and promptly orders another drink.

Another few minutes pass, with more wide-eyed-silent-“help me”- face from my husband, as well as increasingly not so silent complaints from other passengers nearby, until finally, it becomes apparent that if action isn’t taken, there’s going to be a big ol’ mutiny in the first class of a Delta plane. At this point, two agents approach the row. Now, this lady had the window seat and my husband was in the aisle, so this entire conversation had to take place with him awkwardly in the middle, pressing himself against his seat back, but the agents lean in and tell the woman that, sorry, she just can’t ride on the plane; she smells too bad, and she’s not fit to fly.

She’s incredulous, and keeps saying, “Just because you think I smell?” and “This sounds like a lawsuit to me.” Meanwhile, the agents are being as friendly as they can be, explaining that they will happily put her up in a hotel for the night so she can take a shower, but that they can’t allow her to board another Delta plane until she’s cleaned herself off. She didn’t make that much of a scene, and they all gathered her things and walked off together.

The best part, though, was that right before she stood up, she complained that she had an important meeting back in L.A., and absolutely had to fly out that afternoon; in response, one of the attendants smiled and brightly said, “Well, we can’t help you, but I think there’s still room on a United flight!”

My husband said it was one of the most surreal travel experiences ever.

24. We love celebrity stories

One of my best friends was a flight attendant for a few years so I’ve heard some insane stories from her.

My absolute favorite was when she had to wait on Nicki Minaj in first class on a flight. She said Nicki was pretty much the worst passenger she’d ever waited on. She was rude, demanding, and kept doing weird shit like order a vodka cranberry and when the flight attendant would deliver it she’d take one sip, hand it back to her and ask for another. My friend told me that her whole posse kept doing this until they had gone through almost all the mini bottles. As a bartender, that story pissed me off to no end.

25. But this is awesome

I had the exact opposite experience flying with Flavor Flav about 8 years ago from LAX to Philadelphia. He was genuinely the nicest guy ever, even if his behavior was a little unorthodox. Flav was seated about two rows ahead of me, and even though it had to be completely old hat for him, he expressed the wonder of a child about the whole flying experience. He had a hard time staying in his seat (the longest he sat was for take-off and landing, otherwise never for more than 10 minutes at a time), and walked up and down the aisle talking with other passengers, shaking hands, telling jokes, taking pictures, and genuinely having a good time. He was very flirtatious with the flight attendants, but in a very sweet way that clearly intended to ingratiate and not intimidate, overall very appreciative and not demanding. The rare celeb that actually made everyone’s flight more enjoyable through his presence.

And yes, he was wearing a clock, bright blue that day to match his track suit (leisure suit?).

26. I think bitch is putting it nicely

I’m not a flight attendant or pilot, but I once saw someone get kicked off a flight for being a bitch. I was flying from Miami to NYC after just attending Ultra music fest. It was looking like I was going to have an empty seat beside me, which I was pretty pumped about since I hadn’t really slept in 3 days.

Just as everyone is seated, the girl seated just in front of me begins bitching at the flight attendant. She claimed that she had paid for extra leg room, and that her seat didn’t have extra legroom. She was INSISTING that she be given a seat closer to the front of the plane. The flight attendant didn’t appear to have any idea what she was talking about, and told her that they couldn’t move her up. After a huge amount of bitching, the girl finally gives up, and the flight attendant gets on with getting ready to take off.

Pretty soon after, the flight attendant comes back, because this girl was seated in one of those seats that is beside the emergency exit. So she goes to give the little speech about what you need to do in case of an emergency and asks if they are willing to do that. This girl says no. She won’t do it. I think she probably figured this would get her moved somewhere towards the front of the plane? I don’t know. Anyway, the flight attendant looks at the empty seat beside me tells the girl she can move back to that seat if she refuses to sit beside the emergency exit.

I was not too happy about this, but luckily, this is when the girl goes apeshit. She freaked out that she was being moved to a seat further back in the plane. Bitched so hard the pilot came out. Which is when the whole crew decided she had to be removed from the plane.

She literally got thrown off the flight for being a bitch.

27. GTFO, you prick

My mom was a pilot for Northwest Airlines. She was a woman captain, and a man comes on her airplane. He takes one look at her and says “Ugh, a woman captain. I’m getting off.” She replied, “Good, get off my airplane. There are people waiting on the standby list to get on.” The guy turned right around and got back on. We guessed he wanted her to submit and ask him nicely to come back. She told me “Fuck no.”

28. This is like when your roommate dies and you get a passing for the semester, right?

Not a flight attendant, but this qualifies. Last month I was on a Vegas to Boston flight when some poor guy passed away on the plane. We diverted to NY and emergency personal carried him off the plane and his widow was also escorted from the plane. Just before we took off to resume our flight, some jackass in the front row looks at the clearly stricken flight attendant and asks if we now all get free drinks.

29. Don’t be a dick

Not a flight attendant or a pilot, but my dad always tells the story of how his friend from work delayed a flight by three hours for jokingly asking the pilot “Didn’t I see you at the bar?”

He didn’t realize that because of that joke would end with clearing the plane of all passengers, bringing in a new pilot, and causing the original pilot to go through some serious shit.

30. What. The. Fuck.

Son of 2 flight attendants. My dad has even kicked by an old lady to get his attention, one guy stuck his shoe out the aisle and tripped him. Broken ankle from that.

31. Just keep your mouth shut

I was on a flight that had to be diverted because a man began having a heart attack. The passenger across the aisle yelled at the flight attendant because she was going to miss her connecting flight because of the delay – so I laid into her. Insensitive bitch.

32. Sometimes, when the opportunity strikes, you have to take it

I once witnessed a woman lay her toddler on the aisle and proceed to change his diaper. This was during boarding. I was gobsmacked.

33. Justice served

My mom always tells this crazy story from her many days flying first class.

Two years ago she was on a plane that had just boarded and was sitting on the tarmac about to pull away from the gate. Sitting next to my mom was a typical business guy asshat who was on a phone call yelling at someone on the other end. A very nice flight attendant comes over, leans over my mom and says “Sir, you’re going to have to turn the phone off, the cabin doors are closed.” (Of course if this was economy class she would have been more forceful, but she gives him a small warning)

The guy quiets down but he does not get off his phone. At this point the flight attendants are doing the safety protocol speech as the plane backs up and all of the sudden the guy starts yelling again on the phone. Another flight attendant, this time more forceful tells him to turn off the phone. The man turns to her and says “Fuck you.” She gives this ‘humph’ face and then turns and goes out of sight.

It is at this point of the story that my mom reminds everyone listening that many pilots are veterans, they are military men and do not take that type of crap from asshats. My mom hears a door slam open and out of the cockpit comes the pilot. He is so angry you can see the veins on his face. His eyes bulge as he yells in rage, “WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER?!!? This is my aircraft and in case of an emergency I expect every passenger to follow the commands of my air staff. You disrespecting her, disrespects me and puts every person on this plane at risk!”

The asshat now being borne down upon by this massive angry ex-soldier cowers, puts away his phone and stammers an apology. Without missing a beat the pilot continues “You can take your sorry and shove it! You are not going anywhere! It is a federal crime to disobey an order from your air crew and you can tell whoever was so gawd-damn important on the other end of the phone call that fact after you talk to TSA.” The pilot goes back into the cockpit, pulls the plane back to the gate. Some uniformed police come in and take the guy off.

Dead silence on the plane. As my mom always closes the story, “As god is my witness, everyone in unison takes out their phone, waves it in the air and shows that it is clearly in the off position,” just like the “tickets” scene from Indiana Jones.

TLDR: You mess with the flight attendant and you mess with a pissed off pilot.

34. I was here FIRST

Flight from Frankfurt to Montreal, and this dude is sitting in the middle section in the aisle with an empty seat next to him. This woman and her young daughter (7 or 8 I think) come up and politely tell this man that his seat and the one next to his are their seats. The man refuses to move. The woman asks again over and over politely to please let her sit there. The man didn’t want to move and started crossing his arms like a child and pouting. The woman told him that her daughter has never flown before and would appreciate two seats next to each other so that she can sit with her daughter. No dice. They proceeded to argue and the man yelled at the woman telling her she was a horrible person. We stood up to offer our seats to the woman but before we could say anything she flipped the guy off. I wanted to applaud her. F that guy.

I don’t understand people who won’t relinquish the seats they aren’t supposed to be sitting in in the first place. ESPECIALLY if this poor woman and her daughter needed to sit together. Now you have a pissed off mother who has to shuttle back and forth to her terrified daughter 8 aisles away sitting next to a bunch of strangers on her first flight.

35. WE GONNA PARTY UP IN HERE

I had a sizable layover once of about three hours. I find my terminal/gate and it just so happens to be right across from a bar. I settle in and have a good time. Once boarding begins, I calmly make my way to the plane…

…and find out I’m at the wrong gate. Not only am I at the wrong gate I’m not even at the right terminal.

I haul ass and hear them page me by name just as I reach the gate. I’m panting as I make my way down the aisle to the woman insisting her bags will fit. She “can’t” check her bags because she has this back condition. Meanwhile this tiny flight attendant is doing her best to heave this extremely heavy bag with no success.

Once I’ve sufficiently caught my breath, I take over. The passenger had actually taken her seat, buckled up, and takes out a book while we struggle to stow her shit.

The flight attendant was…most grateful.

Story two: I’m mid-twenty and flying for business. The company got a free upgrade to first class which meant shit to me since I’ve only flown a few times. This is a tiny airport with a slight delay so the crew couldn’t get on board yet. Cue the middle-aged man in a suit who yells “which one of you gals is doing first class?!”

He has this exaggerated grin and is pointing to each attendant. When she reluctantly claimed the “honor,” his face lights up even more and, yelling again, “You gonna work tonight gal!.”

For the duration of the flight, this guy proceeds to treat her like his personal servant and tried to be the life of whatever imaginary party he thought was going on. TC mark

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