December 11, 2012

Perfect Sarcastic Answers To The Annoying Questions Your Relatives Always Ask During The Holidays

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“Why are you gay? Why can’t you just be straight?”

“Well, we’re not supposed to talk about this outside of the regularly-scheduled organized meetings of all gays everywhere but since you asked so nicely, I’ll tell you our secret. I’m gay because when I was a little baby, a Cirque du Soliel clown snuck into my bedroom late at night and sprinkled rainbow glitter on my face.

If you’re gay: Then, as I got older, I severely lacked good male role models to make me chug beer and objectify women so you know, here I am! Plus, obviously all those repeated viewings of Labyrinth in elementary school warped my brain.

If you’re a lesbian: Then, I went to one too many all-girls pool parties and of course, softball camp didn’t help. Plus, I never made myself “pretty” enough to conform to male beauty standards and am therefore, you know, just not trying hard enough. Also, duh, I hate men.

As for why I’m not straight? Ugh, boring. Everyone knows peer pressure and drugs make it cool to be gay now. Haven’t you seen Glee and other ways the mass media glorify homosexuality? Now excuse me, I have to go destroy some heterosexual marriages before we open presents.”

“So how do you make money?”

“Oh? You’re asking because I went to school to study something I’m interested in and love? And not to make tons of money being unfulfilled post-grad? Solid question, relative or family friend. I guess I make money the way everyone in my generation does now, by leeching off my parents with grandiose visions of entitlement and laziness.

Pish posh, everyone knows art doesn’t pay and doing what you love? Why bother? It’s much more exciting to roam around Brooklyn — yes! Brooklyn! Or some such other hip neighborhood you’ve seen on TV! — wearing thrift store clothing, having terrible, unprotected sex, and smoking marijuana cigarettes. The only thing I care about, ironically, is my own apathy.

Do I ever want to succeed or be happy? No. My generation is worried that anything like that will take away from our precious Twitter and Facebook time. I’ll probably continue to take money from my parents with no end in sight because I’m a spoiled piece of shit with no self-awareness or long-term goals. By the way, can I borrow 20 bucks?”

“Are you seeing anybody?”

“Why thank you for inquiring! My prospects are as ever bright as the snow-covered path! Just the other day, Master Williamson beckoned at my door wanting to know if I could perhaps accompany him to the market to fetch some new riding gloves as his old ones had worn thin from his daily jaunts aboard his noble black stallion, Reginald. I heartily agreed! I knew mother and father would be quite pleased as Master Williamson is set to acquire his family’s estate as soon as his grandmother passes, God bless her soul. Plus, he is a kindly man who wears his top hat quite smartly!

Anyway, off to the market we went, my arms covered modestly in my elbow-length gloves. On the walk there, I delicately spoke only when spoken to but in my heart, I hoped he would ask me right there to marry him! For any woman knows, the only prospects of ever leaving your parents’ home and care is to be married off to a wealthy man you barely know. I carefully kept my interests in books and other such frivolities a secret for I didn’t want to intimidate Master Williamson with my womanly notions.

At the market though, Master Williamson caught me looking too long at a globe of the world and became enraged! He called me a jezebel, slapped my face and took off toward his family home. But no fears! I am to attend a ball soon where many a gentleman will ask for my hand to dance. I’m sure I’ll finally be a worthwhile human being soon!”

“Have you gained/lost weight?”

“I’m so glad you asked since my body is public property to be dissected and analyzed. I actually have been trying this new thing where I shape-shift. Yes, like on True Blood. Only instead of becoming a wolf or a horse, I can shape-shift between bodies.

Either way, it’s really nice how we can be so open with each other. Let’s say for instance, I’ve gained weight — could be I have a terrible medical condition I’m sensitive about, or I just went through a break up, or hell, maybe I’m eating more because food is delicious? Your tone, however, implies judgement. And judgement is not delicious.

Or let’s say I’ve lost weight — could be I have a terrible medical condition I’m sensitive about, or I just went through a break up, or hell, maybe I’m eating differently and exercising? Your tone implies pity or even worse, delight. Oh yes, good thing you’re here to tell me being thin is ideal. I never would have known unless I ever looked at a magazine or a TV or a movie or a display window at a store or you know, anywhere.

But either way, you know what people who are fluctuating weights really love to talk about? Food. We don’t think about it enough when it’s already on the forefront of our minds all day every day so thank you so much for bringing it up and in such a compassionate and delicate way. You’re truly a champion among men. Let’s sit together at dinner so you can watch what I eat. Fun!” TC Mark

Gaby Dunn

Gaby Dunn is a writer, comedian, journalist and Jesse Eisenberg enthusiast living in Los Angeles. Email her at: …

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