1. Stop saying: “What’s wrong with me?”
Most of the time, there’s nothing really wrong in the classic sense — or if there is, it’s less about the fact that there’s anything wrong and more to do with the idea that you just haven’t yet found what is the most right.
Start saying: “What are the best things about me, and how do I showcase them so other people know they’re there, too?” Other people are attracted to people who live their best lives and do what they love. Paradoxically, that’s how you get them to notice. Just do what makes you come alive.
2. Stop saying: “I’m never going to find love.”
What you believe most genuinely is what will come to fruition; what you put into the Universe that you shall also reap. So, okay, if you say so. Or if you do end up finding love with that mindset, chances are you won’t be in a place to recognize it for what it is, and you’ll pass it up because you’re so used to looking and not actually having it. Take a deep breath, put it out there that you’d you’d like a relationship, or love, or whatever it is you want, and then just let life happen.
Start saying: “It would be nice to be in a relationship right now, but I’ve got enough living to do on my own as it is, so it’s not the end of the world if it doesn’t happen this second.” If this is not self-explanatory, it should be. The world will keep spinning madly on if you’re not in a relationship. right. now. (And putting pressure on yourself to be in one by a deadline will drive you insane, and might lead to settling for less than what you truly deserve.)
3. Stop saying: “But they were The One!”
In the moment, it might very well feel like that person who just broke your heart, or who you almost had a relationship with, or whose heart you accidentally shattered was special and what you had was good and true and stood a chance until everything came to a screeching halt. And that’s fine. If you don’t feel that strongly about someone, why were you with them to begin with? But dwelling on everything you had and lost is only going to set you up for failure. Sometimes you can’t get that person back. Sometimes you have to live with it. But sometimes, dwelling on who you thought was perfect glosses over the idea that in a world of eight million people, chances are good that there’s someone else out there who’s hoping to meet you now that you’re free.
Start saying: “What can I learn from that relationship so that I don’t make the same mistakes in my next one?” And then put that in practice. Even the most crash-and-burn ex story has a lesson embedded in there somewhere.
4. Stop saying: “If only I was 10 pounds thinner/had a different job/changed my hair color/dressed differently, maybe then I’d be in a relationship.”
Changing yourself for someone else isn’t only misguided and rooted in the idea that you’re inadequate, but also exhausting. It’s draining to try to be someone who you’re not, and you don’t need to waste all of that energy when a relationship is time-consuming as it is. If you want to change these things about yourself, do them because you think they’ll improve your quality of life for yourself — and because someone else would only be so lucky to deserve you as-is or improved upon, either way.
Start saying: “If people are attracted to people who love themselves, what can I do to improve my self-love?” Yes, there’s the saying that if you can’t love yourself, you can’t expect anyone else to love you — people are going to love you despite this. But you deserve to receive love from yourself. You deserve the peace of mind that comes with self-love.
5. Stop saying: “How does he/she have a significant other and I don’t?!”
Chances are good that there’s something the person they’re in a relationship with sees something you don’t. The world doesn’t work on the equation that those who are the most deserving get the first dibs – and anyway, even if it did, their being happy and in love and cutesy and cuddly in public has absolutely no bearing on your current relationship status. Let them have their love. Focus instead on your world, because I can almost guarantee you they aren’t even aware that anyone else but each other exists in theirs.
Start saying: “If there’s love enough in this world that all of these couples are making their relationships work, there’s got to be something out there for me, too.” And then put in the work to find it. Good things come to the people who believe in the power of hard work.
6. Stop saying: “Love sucks.”
Well, yeah. It does at times. It’s annoying, it’s pestering, it’s tough and rough and requires a lot of work, whether you’re in or out of a relationship. But it’s also wonderful, and makes you feel warm and fuzzy and special and supported and understood, and like, for all your weirdness, there’s one other person in this world who sees all of that and somehow, magically, inexplicably accepts you for being weird. More than that, they love all of the weirdness that makes up who you are. And that’s worth all of the trials and tribulations and might have beens.
Start saying: Love sucks sometimes — but it’s also so worth it.