August 25, 2012

10 Lasting Effects Of Growing Up In The 90s

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What is the issue?

1. Hating The Dark

There was literally a show asking us Are You Afraid Of The Dark? If your answer was “no” they made it their mission to tug at the fearful strings in your brave little heart until you were.  As a kid you’re already dealing with the stress of potential monsters shacking up in your closet and under your bed. Watching such a ghost, clown, and monster-filled show was fuel to the fire of our already active imaginations. Throw in the Goosebumps book series and Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark and you’ve created a neurotic, fearful individual who isn’t comfortable without a nightlight.

2. Igniting Our Inner Tree Hugger.

Watching a group of environment preserving teens led by a green mullet-donning hero really made us want to do our part to save the planet. It would be a hell of a lot more fun if we got rings that gave us special powers, but we’ll have to settle for subpar abilities. We can’t control earth, fire, wind, water or heart, but by regularly throwing cans and plastics in the recycling bin – we do our part — and that’s a testament to the Captain’s effectiveness.

3. High Relationship Expectations.

After watching Cory and Topanga on Boy Meets World, it’s hard to settle for anything less than greatness. The two lovebirds managed to mingle, grow as friends, then date and wind up together after 158 episodes worth of life. Sure it’s scripted, but in our minds we all know that they are still somewhere in a make-believe universe, being funny, perfect and in love. It didn’t help to watch Saved By The Bell’s Zack and Kelly end up together either. Why can’t real life love play out in such picture perfect fashion? Oh, probably because of that whole script thing.

4. Being Constantly Cautious Of Robbers, Murderers And All Other Types Of Terrible Things.

There were three particular series’ that have caused me to be abnormally suspicious and paranoid about personal security and the dangers of the world. America’s Most Wanted, Rescue 911, and Unsolved Mysteries fulfilled my deepest real-life fears. These anxieties are different than the Are You Afraid Of The Dark type because they’re so real. Yeah, I’m not a big fan of ghosts and clowns but I don’t really, deep down consider them a significant threat. Years of America’s Most Wanted has me convinced that any older person looking at or speaking to me is engaging to attempt a kidnapping, Rescue 911 made me suspicious of anyone passing by my house after sunset, and Unsolved Mysteries is the reason why I watch my garage door go all the way down – because if I don’t, a killer will most definitely slide under at the last second. We should considering uniting to file a mass claim-lawsuit for mental anguish damages.

5. The Virtue Of Patience Was Forced Upon Us.

When dialup Internet was all we knew, there was no choice but to be tolerant. From the incredibly obnoxious beeps, shrieks and screech sounds we endured as it connected, to the constant inconvenience of disconnecting every time someone needed access to the phone line – using the Internet was a hassle. Use of the word buffering is uncommon in 2012, but those of us who watched videos before high speed existed are very familiar. A little loading time ain’t a thing when you’ve endured the time-consuming dialup experience. The same goes for the VCRs and VHS tapes in comparison to the modern DVDs. Or cassette and CD players versus iPods. Having slow functioning, full of trouble technology taught us a great deal of patience, regardless of if we wanted it.

6. Blowing Solves Everything.

A malfunctioning videogame cartridge was instantly fixed when we blew into it; unfortunately that’s not a solution for all of life’s problems. I’ve tried to blow on cell phones, iPods, laptops, broken furniture – it’s just my natural response to faulty devices. Unfortunately the end result is typically sheer disappointment.

7. Shopping Is Too Slow Paced And Monotonous.

If you watched the 90s game show gold that was Supermarket Sweep, you’re well aware of how exhilarating they made grocery shopping appear. There was trivia, followed by contestants running around as they shoved a cart at high speeds, filling it with products and trying to accumulate the highest total. The first time I went grocery shopping on my own it was beyond disappointing that I didn’t get to throw a giant ham, turkey or prime meat product into my cart, then sprint around recklessly as I stockpiled groceries that I didn’t end up having to pay for. Instead I wander around aimlessly, trying to find the best-frozen TV dinner deals and shortest checkout line.

8. The Constant Replaying Of This Nickelodeon Magazine Commercial Has Embedded It In Our Brains, To The Point That We Still Recall Each Word Of It.


If you don’t remember this commercial even a little bit, then you certainly didn’t watch much television – which you can either take pride, or feel great disappointment in – either way you’re probably right to feel however you do.

9. Automatically Expecting Neighbors To Be Annoying.

Multiple years of watching Kimmy Gibbler (Full House), Waldo Faldo and Steve Urkel (Family Matters) really gave off the impression that neighbors are some of the most invasive, unbearable individuals you’ll ever have the misfortune of dealing with regularly. To this day before meeting them, I assume that the folks next door want to raid my refrigerator, destroy my belongings and then be oblivious and dumbfounded when I’m frustrated with them. Even the good 90s neighbors were slightly obnoxious. Mr. Feeny (Boy Meets World) and Wilson (Home Improvement) provided some useful advice, but often overstepped their boundaries playing the role of wannabe-therapist-neighbors.

10. Banana Peel Phobia.

Playing Mario Kart is completely and utterly responsible for this preposterous notion that has made it a natural response to aggressively avoid banana peels on sight. Even while driving– no, especially while driving, they feel quite dangerous. It’s hard to get it out of my mind that running over a piece of fruit’s soft covering isn’t going to result in an intensely violent spinout. That being said, if you ever have the misfortune of unknowingly stepping on a banana peel with your foot, you will fall. Hard. TC Mark

image – Boy Meets World
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