25 Stores And What They Should Actually Be Called

1. J.Crew: Feeling Bad About Your Own Wardrobe While Caressing Enamel Bangles By The Cash Register

2. H&M: I Need A Work-Appropriate Shirt For Seven Dollars

3. Zara: A Precisely One-Notch Upgrade From H&M

4. Bebe: Bandage Dresses You’re Going To Spill Vodka Red Bull On

5. Madewell: Where Pretty Girls Who Wore Abercrombie In High School Get Their Sensible Jeans

6. Sephora: Contracting Cold Sores From Questionable Applicators And Buying An Urban Decay Palette

7. Forever 21: Searching For Cute Sundresses And Jewelry That Stains Your Skin Amongst The Wreckage

8. Michael Kors: Where You Go To Purchase Something For Exactly 350 Dollars That Says “Michael Kors”

9. Abercrombie: Somehow Still Existing Since 2004

10. Victoria’s Secret: Convincing Yourself You’re Not Too Old To Buy Panties That Say Pink Across Your Ass

11. Dean & Deluca: Imagining A Better Life For Yourself In The Spice Aisle

12. IKEA: That One Table Everyone Has And Lingonberry Soda

13. Crate And Barrel: Where People Who Have Upgraded From IKEA Go To Get Candle Sets And Rub It In Your Face

14. Anthropologie: The Simultaneous Feeling Of “This Shit Is Heinous” And “I Desperately Wish I Could I Afford This Shit”

15. Urban Outfitters: Anthropologie For Basics

16. Whole Foods: Going In For Fruit And Spending All Your Money At The Hot Buffet Bar

17. American Apparel: The Exploitation & Scrunchie Emporium

18. GAP: Perfectly Acceptable Clothes For Perfectly Acceptable People

19. Nordstrom: Feeling Like Your Mother Would Be Proud Of You For Shopping Here

20. Marc Jacobs: Baby’s First Designer Hobo Bag

21. Intermix: Zara For Rich People

22. Apple Store: Pretending To Consider Buying An iPad So You Can Play With It For A While

23. MAC: Salesgirls Wearing Every Item Of Makeup In The Store

24. Target: Going In For Q Tips And Leaving With No Money

25. Coach: No