1. The Cheesecake Factory’s Avocado Egg Rolls, 963 Calories
It feels important to begin this list by addressing The Cheesecake Factory specifically, because that restaurant may be the most insane chain in all the United States from a nutritional perspective, and it will be making several appearances on this list. This appetizer is impressive mostly for taking a vegetable-based appetizer, and transforming it into something with more calories than the average meal.
2. T.G.I. Friday’s Pecan Crusted Chicken Salad (With Dressing), 1360 Calories
It’s generally always a good idea to top your salads with fried chicken, because it’s important that they contain more calories than most double cheeseburgers.
3. Sonic’s CroisSONIC Breakfast Sandwich, 650 Calories
First off, am I the only person who is grossed out at the thought of putting an egg and cheese breakfast sandwich on something as oily and heavy as a croissant? It’s just gnarly. And if you’re going to do it, why not go for the ham instead of the sausage and save yourself 130 calories instantly? Why do we need so much of a bad thing?
4. Applebee’s Blue Ribbon Brownie, 1290 Calories
Nothing like topping off a dinner with a nice, light dessert comprised of 65 percent of your daily calorie needs.
5. Coldstone Creamery’s PB&C Shake, 2010 Calories
This almost seems like it has to be some kind of practical joke, because you have to make a conscious effort to make a single drink be this unhealthy.
6. Outback Steakhouse’s Bloomin’ Onion, 1948 Calories
I want to say I’ll never eat one of these again, given how unbelievably bad for you it is, but I probably will. Come on.
7. Starbucks’ Venti White Chocolate Mocha, 620 Calories
There are few better ways to start your day than with a morning coffee that contains more calories, sugar, and saturated fat than most actual food items you could be consuming. We know that drinking our calories is just about the dumbest things we can do, and yet, there we go, Instagramming our pics of liquid butter from Starbucks.
8. Macaroni Grill’s Chicken Caesar Salad (With Dressing), 870 Calories
Can we just agree to kick chicken caesar salad out of the “healthy food club” once and for all? We all know that it’s not a positive nutritional choice, let’s give up the charade.
9. IHOP’s Chicken Fried Steak With Eggs And Sausage Gravy, 1850 Calories
IHOP is a hot mess. This dish — and the calories it contains — is a hot mess. No one should be eating this at any time, let alone first thing in the morning. (Waffle House is better, anyway.)
10. Subway’s Meatball Marinara Sub, 560 Calories
I know that this list has probably deluded us into feeling like this isn’t that bad, relatively speaking, but we need to address the sodium content in this: 1590 milligrams, which is about 70 percent of what we should be getting in a single day. Also, if you’re going to get a meatball sub, go to a real sandwich shop.
11. The Cheesecake Factory’s Fish And Chips, 1920 Calories
And The Cheesecake Factory’s back, trollier than ever with this monstrosity!
12. P.F. Chang’s Combo Lo Mein, 1968 Calories
I’m sure that P.F. Chang’s food — in addition to being a bland imitation of actual Chinese cuisine — is full of empty calories. But the numbers on this particular dish are still worth a nice mention.
13. Panera Bread’s Full Sierra Turkey Sandwich, 810 Calories
It’s always nice to see something as theoretically healthy as turkey be transformed into something as calorically insane as this sandwich.
14. California Pizza Kitchen’s Tuscan Hummus With Pita Bread, 970 Calories
Wait, no! Not hummus! Anything but hummus!
15. Cosi’s Tomato And Basil Aurora Soup, 597 Calories
Even if you don’t order this supposedly “healthy” choice with a half grilled cheese, you’re still doing yourself no favors, and you’re probably not even going to leave the table full (but you will be bloated with sodium).
16. Cinnabon’s Regular Sized Pecanbon, 1080 Calories
I feel like the most offensive thing about Cinnabons is that they’re not even good. Think of all the ACTUALLY good food you could get for those calories. There is no reason to be eating something like the Pecanbon, ever.
17. The Cheesecake Factory’s Pasta Carbonara With Chicken, 2290 Calories
I am just so beyond understanding how this restaurant is allowed to exist, and what they could possibly putting in their mediocre food that enables it to be so thoroughly disgusting. It’s the kind of gluttony that leads to pot-bellied royalty getting beheaded in the town square as the starving peasants cheer. How is this possible? I just can’t.