March 6, 2013

How To Find A Cute Boy To Love You Forever

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Go down to the makeup store and buy yourself a big-ass basket of makeup. It has to be the right shade, though, unless you want to look like a melting painting of a sad clown. It’s best if you master that often-talked-about-yet-rarely-achieved “Invisible Makeup” look. Basically, you just photoshop yourself IRL with the really expensive kind of makeup, because the cheap shit is for gremlins. You’re not going to bag a Cute Boy with Wet’N’Wild, come on. This isn’t a charity.

Pick yourself up a girly magazine with Taylor Swift or Anne Hathaway on the cover, smiling at you with their several hundred teeth and pore-free skin. It should have enticing headlines such as “60 Handjob Techniques That Will Change Your Life” and “Why He Dumped You, Uggo.” Read it from cover to cover, and berate yourself for not having the same luck with men that millionaire, bouncy-haired starlets seem to have. When you’re done giving yourself thirty emotional lashes, put the magazine in a stack with about a dozen back issues to obsess over at a later date.

Work relentlessly on your sexual technique, but don’t be all slutty and gross about it. Practice on a banana or something. A banana with a condom on it.

Practice standing in the corner of places such as bookstores, record shops, and cafes whilst batting your eyelashes and looking like you want to be flirted with. Don’t reduce yourself to bottom-feeding on OKCupid like one of those fish tank slugs, you need that meet cute. You should be wearing a demure skirt and adorable bangs, casually pretending to read a book about poetry while you wait for Cute Boy to ask you what you’re reading and eventually propose to you at some later date with an expensive-yet-not-gaudy engagement ring.

Don’t spend your time blogging about your feelings, no Cute Boy is looking for a living Cathy comic. And don’t talk about sex, because that makes you look gross and weird and like you might actually be a human being or something, which is probably in Cute Boys’ top 10 turn-offs.

Actively work on draining your head of thoughts that stem from self-betterment or self-love, as these things do not work directly to the benefit of your potential suitors. The only thoughts that should be playing through your head are vague repeats of headlines like “How To Make Your Office Job Seem Less Ball-Bustingly Fulfilling,” “How To Pretend You Don’t Make Such A Threatening Salary,” and “How To Laugh At His Jokes Without Seeming Like A Raving Harpy.”

Be ready to throw everything under the bus for when Cute Boy comes along, because you are not going to integrate him into things while still keeping strong personal importance on your private life. It’s all or nothing, slore. If problems should arise in the relationship, it is best to blame yourself entirely and focus on listening to Death Cab songs until you are ready to take the fall for everything from why the dishwasher is always loaded wrong to the shooting of Archduke Ferdinand.

Because, after all, if you don’t have a Cute Boy with whom to take pictures wearing matching snapbacks for your soft grunge blog, what is all of this for? Why are you even here? I guess Game of Thrones is coming back in a few weeks, maybe that could be your reason to live. Maybe get a vibrator while you’re at it, for the Jon Snow scenes. TC mark

 

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