1. Completely ignore them.
If you are absolutely head-over-heels for someone, what better way to let them know than by refusing to acknowledge their existence? When they come around, make sure to feel your entire body clam up and start sweating, until you’re essentially a giant armpit of discomfort and desire. Be unable to make eye contact with them, get extraordinarily nervous when you hear that they’re going to be at an event, and spend an inordinate amount of time getting ready beforehand when you know they’re going to see you — only to spend the entire time awkwardly avoiding them around the room. Crumble in on yourself with silent passion.
2. Lose all control of your body/speech.
If absolute silence is not your M.O. when it comes to expressing your budding love, you can always change it up and become completely disconnected from your own brain function. Suddenly become a sputtering diesel engine of cacklig laughs, mistimed jokes, and endless overshares. When they make a joke (which is actually funny, as they are perfect), try to laugh in this terrifying, shout-y squawk that you quickly try to cover up with a cough. If your’e telling a story, have no concept of what you’re actually saying, and realize far too late that you’ve been talking for seven straight minutes about that time you thought you got rabies from that raccoon you tried to domesticate at summer camp. Don’t stop talking until you can see them feeling around their chair for an “eject” button.
3. Learn their whole life story online.
Do everything short of hiring a private eye, and leave no internet-stone unturned in your search for information about them, their exes, their family, their favorite elementary school teacher, their plans for the future, and their shoe size. Don’t stop until you feel that you know them better than their own family, and consider suicide when you accidentally let slip one of these horrifying morsels of ill-gotten information in front of them. Essentially get a Doctorate in Shit About Your Crush You Found On Google, and consider coming back to the school to become a professor.
4. Talk about them endlessly to everyone you’ve ever met.
You know what your friends, family, coworkers, exes, mailman, barista at Starbucks, dentist, and complete strangers in the street want to hear about? Your crush! It’s best to filter the knowledge of your love for them through several rounds in the unforgiving rumor mill, and the only way to ensure that is to make sure that not a single person exists in the tri-state area that hasn’t heard you go on about your crush’s eyes, sense of humor, adorable way of wearing tee shirts, dimples, family history that you found on Facebook, or the amazing way they don’t even know you exist. Tell them all!
5. Reference them indirectly in status updates, tweets, and blog posts.
If someone is just not getting the point about how much you love them, all you need is a little Death Cab lyric, and you’re good to go. Just put “I need you so much closer…” in your status, hit enter, and call it a day. If they don’t know that your message was meant to cut across the static of the internet and reach them directly, well, they’re probably just a little too obtuse for your tastes, anyway.
6. Actually sit them down and tell them, like an adult.
Pull them aside when you get the chance — either at an opportune moment in a social gathering or in a meeting of your own arrangement — and just let them know. Look them in the eye, tell them how you’ve been feeling, ask if they’d like to go out with you sometime. Be respectful and not too pushy, but say what you mean, and don’t let them walk away with some misunderstanding about what exactly is going on between the two of you. Even if they end up not reciprocating your feelings, you can always walk away okay, knowing that you did the right thing and gave it a shot, but that you can’t force someone to feel a certain way if they don’t want to. Feel good about the way you’re progressing in your romantic life.
Oh, who am I kidding? Go comb Google for more possible links to old pictures.