Thought Catalog
March 12, 2017

Why People Who Lack Emotional Intelligence Are The Worst (But It’s Not The End Of The World)

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If you don’t think there’s a serious epidemic going around, I advise you to cover your mouth and open your eyes.

There is something causing a divide among humans, and it can be frustrating to say the least: there are those who are emotionally intelligent, and those who are not.

The sad part is, the ones who are aware of this epidemic are suffering from it the most.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to identify and manage your own emotions and the emotions of others. At the heart of emotional intelligence, is self-awareness, which helps us perceive our own emotions, and relationship management, which helps us harness these emotions to understand other people’s moods, behaviors, and motives.

Without getting too much into the implications of emotional intelligence, I will say that communication between people lacking in this area produces a lot of unnecessary conflict.

If someone is unable to pick up on the emotions of someone else, they can say something hurtful without realizing, behave in ways that are offensive to others, and often get defensive if someone tries to criticize their behavior.

People who are emotionally intelligent want to make others aware if they are acting in a hurtful way, because they would want someone to come to them if their behavior was causing other’s grief. They get upset if their behavior is misconstrued, and make a conscious effort to act in a way that shows their consideration of other people’s feelings.

However, it’s not always easy to explain to someone who isn’t considerate of your feelings, how their behavior makes you feel.

There will always be conflict, but the whole point of having emotional intelligence is so we don’t need to explain why negative behavior effects others. We need this kind of intelligence to solve problems and have more understanding relationships, but the problem is that people either see it, or they don’t.

There are people in this world who feel as though they don’t need to give an explanation, making themselves out to be the victims. When someone tries to tell them how to act or feel, it can be construed as “bullying” and they immediately get defensive when people criticize them.

I have been on the “bullying” end of things, only because I told people I wasn’t okay with their behavior, and they took it as an attack.

I never mean to be “mean,” and yet, people will tell me I could’ve been nicer. People will tell me that I’m condescending, and flip the switch by pointing out all the things that I did wrong because they think I give off a vibe that I am always right.

But the problem is, I don’t think I’m always right at all. I just think I have a good grasp on how I make people feel, and I want people to understand things from my point of view as well.

The difference is, I will own up to something that I’ve done wrong, instead of try to blame it on someone else. I want someone to understand why I feel the way I do, so instead of pointing fingers, I want to reach a conclusion that makes us both happy.

But I am learning that reaching a happy conclusion is not always the case. Sometimes we must agree to disagree, and it isn’t my responsibility to deal with people who negatively affect me.

I am learning that I am only responsible for my behavior, and if I know why someone’s behavior upsets me, then I just need to know how to deal with it.

When it comes to someone who lacks in emotional intelligence, there’s a fine line between upsetting that person, and becoming upset with yourself.

I become upset with myself when I try to explain my emotions as best as I possibly can and I still manage to make someone angry. I go into situations with the hopes to resolve a conflict, and yet, an all out verbal brawl ensues.

But you can not control someone’s ability to understand you.

As someone who has been unable to grasp the fact that not everybody has the ability to be aware of other people’s emotions, I know how hard it is to accept. But the sad truth is, we must be taught this intangible skill early on. We must be taught that our personal emotion’s are not the only emotions, and it is within our own power to be conscious of the feelings other people have.

Society can sometimes praise people who are simple-minded. There is a sort of fandom or following built around people who toot their own horn, because they’re aggressive. And people will stand behind them shouting and hollering.

But having emotional intelligence is a strength that many people don’t have. And the people who have it should not be deterred because someone doesn’t understand them.

As long as the emotionally intelligent are aware of the benefits, they can react to the pain and suffering of others, and surround themselves with people who will understand them.

The people who realize that sometimes criticism doesn’t mean deconstruction.

That showing sorrow, doesn’t mean inflicting pain.

That being passionate, doesn’t mean being hateful.

That taking action, doesn’t mean forcing aggression.

We can surround ourselves with people who know that our hearts are in the right place, and know that we aren’t ever talking down to someone or trying to sound smarter than them.

People get frustrated when they are met with opposition, and aren’t aware how to handle it, but it should not be your job to teach them how to handle it.

Instead of being forceful or getting upset, I tell myself it is better to be aware than to simply not care. TC mark

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