An Open Letter To The Person Pooping Quietly In The Public Bathroom Stall Next To Me

This might be the best piece I’ve ever read on TC. The pooping is never an issue for me, it’s the audible gas and occasional stench that emits from my butthole that makes me self-conscious. 

This might be the best piece I’ve ever read on TC. The pooping is never an issue for me, it’s the audible gas and occasional stench that emits from my butthole that makes me self-conscious. 

this is genius

YES YES YES!!!!

HAHA YES. i wish i wrote this. i call these people “silent shitters”.

When I just walked into my office restroom, all 4 doors were shut and everyone was silent. They were waiting each other out. That’s a game that no one wins.

I’m ugly-laughing. This is excellent. Also going to use this space to admit that I was constipated for my first two days of college because our co-ed (gender neutral) bathrooms gave me paralyzing performance anxiety. But now I can poop almost anywhere. Thanks, higher education!

I’m ugly-laughing. This is excellent. Also going to use this space to admit that I was constipated for my first two days of college because our co-ed (gender neutral) bathrooms gave me paralyzing performance anxiety. But now I can poop almost anywhere. Thanks, higher education!

I take this to the other extreme and never close the door when defecating in a public toilet stall.

Co-ed!?

Does anyone do the thing where they poop when somebody flushes so it covers the noise? I’ve employed that technique for years.

I need to post this in my office bathroom.

This should also be a “letter to the person holding their poop when I walk into the public bathroom and waiting for me to leave”

When this happens, I always take my time. I know what you’re doing. Just be a (wo)man and DO IT. I just want to scream “I’M A NURSE AND I’VE HEARD/SEEN WAY WORSE”

At freshman orientation, each of our RA’s were asked to share a bit of advice with us that they wish they had known when starting dorm life. One stepped forward and proclaimed, “Everyone poops. Don’t be ashamed.” Definitely the most valuable bit of knowledge I have gained at my ivy league school.

Once when I was stopped at a rest stop bathroom a woman came in with her son who looked to be about 3 years old. While all of us weary travelers were seated upon our porcelain thrones, someone in a nearby stall passed some particularly noisy gas. The little boy immediately shouted, “Mommy, someone POOTED!” Everyone laughed so much that it created the perfect noise barrier to really let loose. It was a sensational symphony of shits.

Proud shameless pooper.

Good read! 

i can’t say 100% that my love of outback steakhouse is not at least 40% as strong because of the fact they play music in their bathrooms.

and the fact that that, come on, it’s impossible to eat a bloomin’ onion without taking advantage of said bathrooms.

i can’t say 100% that my love of outback steakhouse is not at least 40% as strong because of the fact they play music in their bathrooms.

and the fact that that, come on, it’s impossible to eat a bloomin’ onion without taking advantage of said bathrooms.

” Poop like nobody’s watching.”

Poop like you’re never get hurt.

I call that the “courtesy flush”

Did you write this while pooping?

I’ll one up you and poop in the sink. I’ll take pics. I know how people call others out on these things if there aren’t any pictures.

Nothing says welcome to UC Berkeley like your first successful poop.

Is this our punishment (or “back-down-to-earth” reminder) for enjoying the new Douglas Lain article…?

We call it “tailgating.”

I’ve never felt happier, or laughed as much, while reading an article about poop. For some reason I found this mildly inspirational.

textswhilepooping.blogspot.com

Welcome.

Coincidentally that is what I yell when I am pooping.

that is not eco-friendly!

My old roommate showed me and a few of my girlfriends this video called “Cake Farts” a while back. It’s about exactly what it sounds like–a girl farting on a sheet cake. That night, the girls who watched it and I went out to a bar and were in the bathroom together. This middle-aged woman was in the stall while we were at the mirror and she let out a particularly robust fart. One of my friends just yells, “Cake farts!!” before she could stop herself and we all erupted into maniacal, uncontrollable laughter. We all felt very, very badly about it and considered finding the woman and formally apologizing. I know we shelved that woman’s public pooping career, and it’s hard to live with.

The worst is when you’re next to a person in the stall and you know they need to poop and you need to poop and you’re both sitting there in silence waiting for someone to make the first move and no one does.  Awkward.  

This article seems so strange, until you realize that you identify with every word of it.

I  think the key to pooping in public is to blur out the actual sounds of the process.  I’d be listening to music on my ipod while studying in the library when I would have the urge to poop.  I shuffle on over to the bathroom and while still listening to my music, I would just let go.  I didn’t hear a thing.  Didn’t hear myself, didn’t hear other people, I wasn’t even AS tempted to look under the stalls around me to see if anyone was around. It was grand, actually.

Unfortunately not, but I can tell you that the idea was conceived in a bathroom in the Container Store when I walked in and realized almost immediately I had misaligned someone’s pooping chakras. I strongly considered pooping despite my lack of need to do so, just to make said person comfortable. I refrained because, as stated in this letter, I became far too poop-shy. It is a vicious cycle, a poop-22. I still feel bad about interrupting this person when all she wanted to do was take a poop and go back to buying more plastic stackable shelves.

This was incredibly arousing

♫ Everybody poops. ♫

 in japan the toilets play ocean sounds or forest sounds to mask the pooping sounds.

STFU, Jimmy Joyce!

I never had reservations about pooping in a public bathroom. Is this an American thing?

This is so relevant to my life right now.  I spend at least 10 hours out of the house every day and I hate public poops, but it’s gotta happen sometimes just because of the timing.

This is so relevant to my life right now.  I spend at least 10 hours out of the house every day and I hate public poops, but it’s gotta happen sometimes just because of the timing.

There is nothing like a good poop.

? I AM A WOMAN!!!

James Joyce was known for the scatty nature of his sexuality; if you found the piece “incredibly arousing”, read his love letters to Nora:

To NORA

Dublin   2 December 1909

………………………….

My love for you allows me to pray to the spirit of eternal beauty
and tenderness mirrored in your eyes or fling you down under me on that
softy belly of yours and fuck you up behind, like a hog riding a sow,
glorying in the very stink and sweat that rises from your arse, glorying
in the open shape of your upturned dress and white girlish drawers and
in the confusion of your flushed cheeks and tangled hair. It allows me
to burst into tears of pity and love at some slight word, to tremble
with love for you at the sounding of some chord or cadence of music or
to lie heads and tails with you feeling your fingers fondling and
tickling my ballocks or stuck up in me behind and your hot lips sucking
off my cock while my head is wedged in between your fat thighs, my hands
clutching the round cushions of your bum and my tongue licking
ravenously up your rank red cunt. I have taught you almost to swoon at
the hearing of my voice singing or murmuring to your soul the passion
and sorrow and mystery of life and at the same time have taught you to
make filthy signs to me with your lips and tongue, to provoke me by
obscene touches and noises, and even to do in my presence the most
shameful and filthy act of the body. You remember the day you pulled up
your clothes and let me lie under you looking up at you while you did
it? Then you were ashamed even to meet my eyes.

You are mine, darling, mine! I love you. All I have written above is
only a moment or two of brutal madness. The last drop of seed has
hardly been squirted up your cunt before it is over and my true love for
you, the love of my verses, the love of my eyes for your strange luring
eyes, comes blowing over my soul like a wind of spices. My prick is
still hot and stiff and quivering from the last brutal drive it has
given you when a faint hymn is heard rising in tender pitiful worship of
you from the dim cloisters of my heart.

Nora, my faithful darling, my seet-eyed blackguard schoolgirl, be my
whore, my mistress, as much as you like (my little frigging mistress!
My little fucking whore!) you are always my beautiful wild flower of the
hedges, my dark-blue rain-drenched flower.

JIM

In the Game of Thrones, you poop or you die.

If you fold up a length of toilet paper a few times and put it in the toilet water before you sit down, it will float at the surface and break the fall quite nicely.   I can’t tell you how this is gong to end, but I can tell you how it’s going to begin… 

If you fold up a length of toilet paper a few times and put it in the toilet water before you sit down, it will float at the surface and break the fall quite nicely.   I can’t tell you how this is gong to end, but I can tell you how it’s going to begin… 

ok listen all kinds of comments and no solutions because there is not any?

Oh, I absolutely hate it when I step into a bathroom and the only stall occupied is the Silent Defecator, whom I know, and who knows I know, is just waiting for me to leave so she can resume her dirty business.  And the thing is, I can’t take the pressure. It makes me self-conscious and I can’t tinkle.  If you’re going to be a silent defecator, then at least do a courtesy flush. The noise will take some pressure off of me and my bladder.