Top 10 Animals That Don’t Have Asses

Dec. 7, 2010

By Tao Lin info

Tao Lin (b. 1983) is the author of 7 books of fiction/poetry including Richard Yates (2010) and Bed (2007). Vintage ...

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One of the largest, softest, most complex areas of the human body is the ass. That asses are both sexual and fecal seems vaguely confusing. One considers the dual nature of asses and thinks “Freud, did Freud write about this, seems like he didn’t, seems like maybe he didn’t.” Asses are actually pretty rare. They seem to manifest mostly on mammals with 4 limbs of a certain length. Studies have shown that the ass evolved from the tail.

10. SNAKE

Idly representing the reptile kingdom’s “boringer” animals that don’t have asses, the Snake’s fan-base is surprisingly varied: certain Christians enjoy holding them at noncommittal distances while dancing and emitting noises, children in non-gated communities with 20-40% of the lots perpetually “under construction” enjoy attacking them in their own environments with shovels, adults sometimes vaguely enjoy storing them in 50-gallon fish-tanks. It has been said that when God created Snakes he began with the Cobra and accidentally placed the ass on the face, then sort of “gave up,” interpreting the majorly egregious error as an metaphor for [God stopped thinking about it at this point].

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  • Jordancastroisthegoverner

    fantastic

    • wackomet

      fant-ass-tic

  • http://twitter.com/JulianIsGo Julian Alexander

    The Blue Whale with the upset of the year. Didn't see it coming at all. I lost 30 dollars thanks.

  • Henry Elder

    so good

  • http://richardchiem.wordpress.com richardchiem

    wow, sweet.

  • http://twitter.com/jamesyeh James Yeh

    i liked this

  • http://twitter.com/t_baugh Travis Baugh

    read this and started thinking about what defines an “ass.” seems like a hamster would have an “ass.”

  • http://hbgwhem.tumblr.com/ hbgwhem.tumblr.com

    I feel like Ke$ha not being on the list was a major oversight. Tried to comfort myself by saying, “Ke$ha is a mammal, not an animal”, but then I performed a fact checking wiki search and found that her debut album was called “Animal” in an 'obvious attempt' to score high on animal related lists/securing gigs on Animal Planet.

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      sweet

  • elaine

    never realized how ugly most animals are.

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      sweet

  • http://newhandsweepstakes.com/writings/the-time-i-accidently-picked-up-a-gay-man-by-brian-mcelmurry/ Brian McElmurry

    The strangeness of this has an intoxicating affect. Feel slightly stoned after reading this. Enoyable, no paranoia.

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      sweet

  • http://clarifiedconfusion.blogspot.com aaron nicholas

    your non-sequitor's made me double-take, twice
    (eg “I just thought “I hate my life” in a tonally incomprehensible manner.”)

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      sweet maybe

      • http://clarifiedconfusion.blogspot.com aaron nicholas

        it was a good double-take.
        my brain didn't register/believe my senses due to randomness/unexpected content, so they enacted a quick half-second battle in which my brain commanded my senses to look at the content again refusing to 'make sense' of it until my eyes (senses) ultimately proved that the unexpected was, indeed, there. i think God created this biological response to keep us from [God stopped thinking about it at this point].

      • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

        'i think God created this biological response to keep us from [God stopped thinking about it at this point]'

        sweet

        i smiled

  • WHALE

    Mollusc =/= Crustacean

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      'hehe…'

  • Jordancastroisthepresident

    lol…

    nice

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      sweet

  • http://tomhankssuperfan.blogspot.com megan boyle

    lol…

    nice

    • http://heheheheheheheeheheheehehe.com/ tao

      it keeps deleting when i type 'sweet'

      • http://twitter.com/rislynsey christopher lynsey

        It thinks you're a spam bot.

  • http://popserial.tumblr.com stephen

    sweet

  • beachsloth

    Does disliking these creatures make you “an ass man”?

  • Eric

    hamsters have asses…

  • FLOX

    there are these sink ass bitches that live in the apartment next door to me and every morning i see them through the window doing shit at the sink at the same time i'm doing my shit at my sink. one time i even saw one of them taking her bra off (not simultaneously with me removing my own bra, though).

    will pay you in good vibes to write about/profile these sink ass bitches.

  • Rebecca

    Great article.

    Anyone else wondering what the hell happened to Ellen Kennedy? Did she go into hiding after Richard Yates was published because she felt so awkward about the way she was depicted in it? Any info on this anyone?

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Parker-Baldin/516709205 Parker Baldin

      tao,
      you better comment

    • Weird times

      seems like a 'juicy' topic.. i don't have any info but i have a feeling she lurks everything tao does, including the comment sections. r u out there ellen?

      is it just me or does megan boyle seem like tao's new girl aka destined to be the main character in the forthcoming “RICHARD YATES 2: Return of the [can't think of anything]“

    • Information
  • http://www.facebook.com/adamhump Adam Humphreys

    so funny… tao… wtf

  • trash_humper

    your alligator pic looks more like a crocodile pic…

    • Makenna

      Pretty sure that's an alligator pic… they're blackish in color, they have a shorter, rounded snout, and it appears you can't see the bottom teeth.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    re-reading this post-red bull binge

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    re-reading this post-red bull binge

  • Hannah

    You’re funny.

  • Ashley

    This made me laugh really really really hard.

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