THE GHOSTS OF YOUR FAILED RELATIONSHIPS ARE SPEAKING TO YOU THROUGH ITUNES SHUFFLE
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) May 25, 2013
Saw a couple holding hands while jogging and it made me hopeful that one day I will meet someone who will hate them with me.
— Robin McCauley Lynch (@RobinMcCauley) March 5, 2014
911 what's your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma'am we don't–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) May 28, 2013
“Omg me too!” – Everybody on a first date
— colonel rob fee (@robfee) May 22, 2014
Spice things up in a first date by wearing a parachute and refusing to talk about it
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) June 13, 2013
Saw a guy on a date use a tip calculator app and instantly add 15% more of a chance she has to "be up really early tomorrow."
— Rachel Lichtman (@rachelichtman) October 11, 2012
A good way to get to know your date is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie & mom’s maiden name, then login & read all their emails.
— Christopher Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth) September 9, 2014
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) October 7, 2011
75% of your time in a relationship is spent eating pizza and saying the word "babe"
— Hubie Halloween Fan Account (@Maaouad) May 15, 2012
90% of a relationship is figuring out where to eat
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) July 26, 2013
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 14, 2012
omfg this girl is so desperate. we kissed once and now she won't stop texting lmao pic.twitter.com/I6i6FoRhAW
— chet porter (@chetporter) November 16, 2013
https://twitter.com/TomHanksIsHot/status/295045161921150977
If my girlfriend doesn't start being nicer to me, I'm totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
— little stinker (@JermHimselfish) July 17, 2012
https://twitter.com/ryanoconn/status/442841159392456704
Hey girl are you a jellyfish because my understanding of your anatomy is rudimentary at best and I'm afraid to go near you
— Sean, From On Line (@asimplesean) July 9, 2013
https://twitter.com/ayyhluscu/status/286217368093478913
https://twitter.com/nachosarah/status/264832207498117120
Call me traditional, but marriage should stay between a woman afraid of being alone & a man who finally caves after years of her pressure
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) April 24, 2014
DATING TIP: Put your arm around her. Then your other arm. Complete the tackle. 4th down now, they have to punt. Wait this might be football.
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 14, 2014
https://twitter.com/Im_Tricia/status/121045304928772096
Relationships are like marathons, which are also stupid
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 15, 2012
The dating process is basically just guys pretending that they like to leave their house.
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) April 27, 2013
https://twitter.com/Simon_Barrett/status/332176683601903617
nothing like filling out a dating profile to make you realize how boring you are
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) September 20, 2014
Right now, several billion people aren't dating you. How rude is that?
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) August 8, 2014
