THE GHOSTS OF YOUR FAILED RELATIONSHIPS ARE SPEAKING TO YOU THROUGH ITUNES SHUFFLE
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) May 25, 2013
Saw a couple holding hands while jogging and it made me hopeful that one day I will meet someone who will hate them with me.
— Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) March 5, 2014
911 what's your emergency? I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE. Ma'am we don't– IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) May 28, 2013
“Omg me too!” – Everybody on a first date
— Rob Fee (@robfee) May 22, 2014
Spice things up in a first date by wearing a parachute and refusing to talk about it
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) June 13, 2013
Saw a guy on a date use a tip calculator app and instantly add 15% more of a chance she has to "be up really early tomorrow."
— rachel lichtman (@DJRotaryRachel) October 11, 2012
A good way to get to know your date is to ask about their first pet, favorite movie & mom’s maiden name, then login & read all their emails.
— Christopher Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth) September 9, 2014
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
— Stephanie McMaster (@Smethanie) October 7, 2011
75% of your time in a relationship is spent eating pizza and saying the word "babe"
— Mawad (@Maaouad) May 15, 2012
90% of a relationship is figuring out where to eat
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) July 26, 2013
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 14, 2012
omfg this girl is so desperate. we kissed once and now she won't stop texting lmao pic.twitter.com/I6i6FoRhAW
— chet (@chetprtr) November 16, 2013
I'm not into Internet dating, but I am dating the Internet.
— Nicole Betz (@TomHanksIsHot) January 26, 2013
If my girlfriend doesn't start being nicer to me, I'm totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
— Jerm Himselfish (@JermHimselfish) July 17, 2012
HOW DO YOU DATE SOMEONE IN 2014? AM I SUPPOSED TO USE THE INTERNET OR CAN I JUST RUN INTO A HOT GUY IN THE GROCERY STORE?
— Ryan O'Connell (@ryanoconn) March 10, 2014
Hey girl are you a jellyfish because my understanding of your anatomy is rudimentary at best and I'm afraid to go near you
— Sean, From On Line (@asimplesean) July 9, 2013
Ugh my boyfriend is taking forever to exist
— Andreea (@ayyhluscu) January 1, 2013
when I see a girl tie a cherry stem with her tongue I put a whole fish in my mouth and pull out the skeleton then I leave with her boyfriend
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) November 3, 2012
Call me traditional, but marriage should stay between a woman afraid of being alone & a man who finally caves after years of her pressure
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) April 24, 2014
DATING TIP: Put your arm around her. Then your other arm. Complete the tackle. 4th down now, they have to punt. Wait this might be football.
— Jamie Woodham (@jwoodham) February 14, 2014
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they're "players," but when I do it I'm a "lesbian."
— Tricia (@Im_Tricia) October 4, 2011
Relationships are like marathons, which are also stupid
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) November 15, 2012
The dating process is basically just guys pretending that they like to leave their house.
— Neal Brennan (@nealbrennan) April 27, 2013
Yo girl, are you a zero APR loan? Because I don't really understand your terms and you keep saying you have no interest.
— Simon Barrett (@Simon_Barrett) May 8, 2013
nothing like filling out a dating profile to make you realize how boring you are
— Mary Charlene (@IamEnidColeslaw) September 20, 2014
Right now, several billion people aren't dating you. How rude is that?
— Trevor S (@trevso_electric) August 8, 2014
