The Unedited Truth About How I Accidentally Discovered My Purpose In Life

Often in life the simplest technique is also the most effective. Reheating prawns is no exception. And in this case, the answer is fortunately right under your nose.

For refrigerated prawns (i.e., leftovers), I’ll take the Prawns and wrap them snuggly two or three times over in cheesecloth. Saran wrap will also work, but I personally feel the tiny pours in the cheesecloth are more conductive to convection. Any old cloth will work, just make sure it’s clean ;). The thinner, the better.

Anyway, then I take this wrapped unit and tuck it neatly into the space between my testicles and rectum, more commonly known as the “taint,” “goochie,” or “grundle,” though it should be called Nature’s Little Oven!

Oh, I forgot to mention, brief-style underwear is IMPERATIVE for this method. The compaction of the briefs is what holds the prawns in place while heating. Most mens underwear has enough support to secure a meal but not impede mobility. If you like a faster re-heat, I recommend women’s briefs, leotards or pantyhose.

Anyway, just park those babies in a comfortable spot and let your body do the cooking while you revel, relax, do some work or chores or even go for a stroll. No fuss, no muss! You see, that tiny bit of real estate between your scrotum and buttocks is, by means of thousands of generations and millions of years of selective evolution (or perhaps by the Grace of God if you’re more partial to creationism), is ideally configured for the flawless and trouble-free reheating of most food.

Coincidentally (or is it? ;)), crustaceans reheat so exceptionally well with the taint method. Prawn, crab, lobster, crayfish, langostino—anything with an exoskeleton, really—all effortlessly arrive at the perfect texture and temperature! In fact, I always say, “A prawn re-prepared behind the ballsack, is the prawn that wins them all back! (Your dinner guests, that is!)” I promise you that when reheating with your taint, hard or chewy prawn will be a extinct notion and mere memory! Never again! And mollusks are no match for your body’s intrinsic desire to COOK TO PERFECTION!

Picture your balls as two small, but exceptionally esteemed and well-trained, ellipsoid-shaped nonverbal chefs without faces. Did you picture it? Great! Now picture the crack of your ass as an exalted master baker of great skill that, well, has a face that just happens to look exactly like a buttcrack. Perhaps he has a wide smile and bad breath? It’s up to you. Did you imagine the baker? Excellent!

Now, do you know what these two revered chefs and this baker of high and grand regard excel at the most? Perhaps you can feel or sense the answer as you imagine this fantastic culinary crew eager to produce edible masterpieces in your underwear ? Luckily for them, the thing they excel at the most is also the very thing they also enjoy doing the most!

Give up? It’s heating shit the fuck up to perfection…every. single. time! These dudes are obsessed with heating shit the fuck up so that it’s just as good, if not better, than when originally served. They’re maniacs when it comes to applying prolonged heat to food. They just can’t stop heating shit up, and heating it up right. Your balls and ass wish they could cut themselves off and withdrawal your 401k early to buy a big-ass motherfucking monster of a pizza oven so they could just heat shit up so nice all dayand as a result not have to put up with any of your shit and questionable choices affecting them anymore.

So remember, just wrap, tuck, time, and then taste perfection, in typically one hour or less!

Here are the recommended cooking times. Keep in mind these are only approximations and that actual cooking times will vary with content, quantity, altitude, climate, temperature, wrapping material, shape and compressive force or undergarments, physical activity, hair density and distribution, taint shape and tissue composition, how big your nuts are, and lastly, how fat your ass is.

45 minutes should result in perfect prawns under most conditions.

60 minutes if it’s winter time.

35 min if you’re walking at a sustained pace.

25 min if you’re walking at sustained pace and it’s summer time.

7–10 minutes if your testicles are either entirely comprised of or otherwise contain significant amounts of radioactive material(s) (such as Cesium-137).

Also, a final note of caution: Do not place any food item directly into your anus for reheating! Although this will result in unique and perhaps unexpectedly pleasurable physical sensation, any food placed in the anus will immediately become spoiled! NEVER eat food directly from or reheated in the anus (be it the anus of a culinary-curious peer or your own)!

Okay! That’s all there is to it! Say goodbye to hard or chewy prawns and hello to the most natural, sustainable, affordable, effective and effortless way to reheat just about anything! It’s no wonder the Vikings were as fond of cooking with their taints and they were invading foreign lands and modifying the respective bloodlines thereof by depraved and reprehensible means, namely non-consensual intercourse.

Bon Appétit Thought Catalog Logo Mark