1. 4 out of 5 men think “foreplay” is French for “a very embarrassing time to ejaculate.”

2. 93% of queefs are hilarious. Unfortunately, the other 7% are tragic. :( #neverforget

3. 72% of erectile dysfunction cases are my ex-wife’s fault. God damn it, Karen.

4. At any given second, 75% of Boyz II Men is having sex.

5. 81% of people consider oral sex to be “sex,” 59% consider fingering to be “sex,” but, despite what I tried to convince my friends at summer camp one year, only .0004% of people consider watching this crazy hot chick in AP Spanish eat a banana to be “sex.”

6. 37% of women report having masturbated in the past year. 84% of men report having masturbated since they started reading this article.

7. 2 out of every 3 uncircumcised penises looks like a cross between a movie theater hot dog and Judge Mills Lane.

8. Condoms are effective 97% of the time. Or, as my father always used to say as he tucked me into bed every night, “Why, God? WHY!?!”

9. Virgins saving themselves for marriage are twice as likely to describe depictions of Jesus wearing a speedo as “provocative,” “titillating,” or “succulent.”

10. The average person burns 200 calories during sex. Which is really awesome, because that means I’m burning like 150 calories a minute.

11. In 2014, 84% of cases involving erections lasting four hours or longer occurred on opening night for The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies.

12. 86% of women report requiring “clitoral stimulation” to achieve orgasm during sex. When asked about “clitoral stimulation,” 64% of men looked at the questioner in a vaguely puzzled manner before responding, “Oh right, Cliborful Simulation. Yeah, but I prefer their early stuff…”

13. According to a recent in-depth study I conducted, 26% of senior citizens are “sexually active.” The remaining 74% said, “Sorry kid, but you’re just not my type.”

14. Men who watch five hours or more of pornography per week are seven times as likely to say, “Hold on, let me try something” during sex before attempting a maneuver that causes one or both partners humiliating injury.

15. The average penis size is only 5 inches. Aha! Did you hear that, Karen!?! 5 inches!!

16. 21% of men have an STD. 18% of women have an STD. 100% of people who’ve been on an elevator with Tara Reid have an STD.

17. The most common fetishes are S&M, exhibitionism, and cross-dressing. The least common fetishes are “spine stuff,” Venus Fly Traps, and Murphy Brown roleplay.

18. The most common reason women fake orgasms is to “protect their partner’s confidence in bed.” The most common reason men fake orgasms is they “don’t really get how sex works.”