1. You no longer have to check your phone constantly. PAUSE. Realize how incredible this is. Gone are the days of stressing over your boyfriend’s horrible communication skills and texting illiteracy. U. R. FREE.
2. If you ever feared you were creating yourself in his image—molding who you are according to his likes, his wants, his everything—you get to check yourself. Spoiler: You’re a BAD BITCH. Know that.
3. If you’re #petty, you now have somebody new to absolutely SHIT on! Try venting to a friend whose past is also littered with explosive relationships and professional fuckboys. It’s… insanely cathartic. (I know, I know. He’s a fucking loser, babe. Tell ‘em.)
4. If the breakup was dramatic af… fun! You now have a dramatic af breakup story to tell. And if you haven’t started laughing at all the crazy shit you said/did, trust, you’ll be LOLing soon.
5. And if even it was totally vanilla/amicable—the breakup’s just another feather in your cap. Just another chapter in the chronicle of your *romantic past.* It makes you more complex/experienced/beautifully damaged, or whatever.
6. …And it’s great material for mom talk. Perfect moment to hear her wisdom and link your wonderful spirits.
7. You save $$$$$$$. No more dishing out cash for gifts, fancy dates, weekend trips, etc. “Um hello?? Is this the bank??? Yes hi… JW HOW I GOT SO RICH RECENTLY?????”
8. After you get over the inevitable two or three day *beside yourself* mourning period, you find that you have insatiable motivation to look and do better than ever. You WILL be up in the gym. You WILL kill it at school/work. Because ain’t no man gonna ruin you.
9. Ummm… congrats. You’re now the FIERCE NEW
SLUT SINGLE LADY on the scene. Dress it up, shake that ass, make ‘em sweat. Do ur thiiiiing.
10. You can be selfish again. You no longer have to spend your precious time furiously worrying about your ex-man’s problems/shitty days. All you gotta do is you, boo.
11. You get to indulge in a fabulous breakup diet. You either eat whatever you want and gain a harmless few pounds, or you lose a shit load of weight. Fab.
12. You realize that, maybe, something truly good has happened. Breaking up was Les Fucking MIZ. It was exhausting and awful and surreal in the worst kind of way. But, maybe, now you can open up some emotional space and let a good thing in (not necessarily new romance). Maybe this shit really is for the best.
13. And, finally, if you’re anything like me… you might even get new speakers. ;)