The minimalist apartment. This apartment is what happens when the Stainless Steel Fairy gets food poisoning in a 400ft ² studio. An overpriced cell for the overachiever, the minimalist apartment gets its name because its inhabitant either a. doesn’t have space for frivolities like, say, anything larger than a twin-size mattress or b. cannot afford furnishings due to spending over two-thirds of their income on inflated rent/ mortgages. Stainless steel doesn’t grow on trees, you know?
The railroad apartment. Does the sound of footsteps passing through your bedroom at night lull you to sleep? Have an hour to waste while your roommate empties his pipes in the neighboring room? Enjoy traversing through the hallways of your apartment complex in a towel, or less? A railroad apartment is the perfect home for two (or more!) apartment hunters who have no concept of societal boundaries. Oh, and they’re also great for couples and people who have their lives together and no longer require roommates.
The loft apartment. A former sweater factory/ pornographic film studio/ metal shop, the loft apartment is now destined to host experimental art students interested in experimental art shows that showcase experimental art. There are anywhere between 3-17 bicycles hanging from the wall at any given time.
The rent-controlled apartment. Forget senses of humor, great jobs, accents of the European persuasion, attractive pets, decent teeth, and healthy familial relationships: a rent-controlled apartment might as well be a golden ticket into the hearts – and pants – of AMERICA. We’re talking manifest destiny here, folks. Mention your rent-controlled apartment the next time you’re running game at the bar and see if your ROI doesn’t shoot through the roof.
The studio apartment. The best way to get to know someone quickly is to visit his studio. The scent of the last few meals she’s cooked, the laundry pile he’s curated, her favorite deodorant/ shampoo/ douche, the books he reads — soak it up. This is the new getting to know someone. Facebook don’t got nothin’ on studio apartments.
The squatters’ apartment. Squatters were in the wrong place at the right time and now they’re rewarded for it by paying no rent. The apartment may be a loft, a basement, a would-be condo had the economy not tanked – the only unifying characteristic is that someone, somewhere, screwed up. If you find yourself living in a building with no Certificate of Occupancy, you too can squat it up. Dance through those loopholes, young sprite. Fight the system while the rest of us wonder where we went wrong.
The god-must-have-spent-a-little-more-time-on-this-apartment apartment. This reasonably priced, geographically desirable, well-designed, cinnamon-scented carpeted two bedroom with a backyard and washer-dryer combo and walk-in closet and seriously, unless you saved a pack of blind puppies from a brushfire, you don’t deserve that apartment.