Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
— Janel SantaCruz Campbell (@JanelSantaCruz) February 4, 2014
thomas edison: i have an idea
[a fucked up rough draft of the lightbulb appears above his head]
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 7, 2015
Leaving a store without buying anything is embarrassing. I feel like people think "farewell idiot who went to the grocery store by mistake"
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) April 5, 2015
ive been v healthy n eating a lot of water n air
— babby gril (@a_cute_bug) April 5, 2015
DRAKE: Can I call you Friendrick Lamar?
DRAKE: I love rapping.
KENDRICK: Please leave me alone
— Ristolable (@ristolable) March 29, 2015
[wife holding empty can of hairspray while getting ready] "weird, I felt like I just bought this"
[me looking fabulous] "that is weird"
— brent (@murrman5) March 31, 2015
Many people only graduated high school physically.
— Old Lady Broseph (@LadyBroseph) April 7, 2015
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
— several onions (@Amusitr0n) March 31, 2015
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Or braised. I've enjoyed it baked too. Can't go wrong with Fried Revenge. The point is I'm mad at you.
— Greg (@GrowlyGrego) March 25, 2015
Salsa dancing is only popular because guacamole dancing costs extra.
— Marlon Rebrando (@contriteperson) March 31, 2015
"Hi, I'm Bear Grylls."
[tears a tarantula in half for no reason]
— Paul (@FrenulumBreve) March 14, 2015
the cashier at Petsmart just told me I smell really good which would be a compliment if my competition wasn't a bunch of dogs and gerbils
— Kristen Drum (@kristendrum) April 2, 2015
"dad, where do babies come from"
[Dad leaves & an obvious stunt double comes in]
"greetings friend. We talk the sex yes?"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) April 2, 2015
me: "well my head hasnt turned all the way round if thats what you mean"
doc: "do you think i said owl movement?"
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) March 30, 2015
If you walk into a crowded bar carrying a small tray, you can walk up to anyone & ask what they like to drink and they'll just hand you cash
— maura quint (@behindyourback) April 4, 2015
ME: heres our crew for the heist. tom– demolitions
M: ed– inside man
M: pat– pizza orderer
PAT: let me know of any allergies
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) April 5, 2015
"What would be your main strength?"
Well, I can communicate with animals…
"Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?"
They can't understand me.
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) March 20, 2015
*brings a plastic bag full of blood into the blood bank* I’d like to open an account
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) April 5, 2015