Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
— Janel SantaCruz (@JanelSantaCruz) February 4, 2014
Is it "fleek" or "on fleek"? I want grandmas eulogy to be just right.
— A guy who'se cool (@MikeCanRant) March 30, 2015
There aren't a lot of female pilots and not to point fingers but thanks a lot Amelia Earhart
— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf) April 5, 2015
Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you’ve participated in the random meaninglessness of the universe
— Stuart V Cardholder (@lil_aracuan) April 8, 2015
thomas edison: i have an idea [a fucked up rough draft of the lightbulb appears above his head]
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 7, 2015
Leaving a store without buying anything is embarrassing. I feel like people think "farewell idiot who went to the grocery store by mistake"
— shut up, mike (@shutupmikeginn) April 5, 2015
JESUS: *comes back from the dead* JUDAS: but.. bbut i– i saw u die??! JESUS: pic.twitter.com/5qcu8JkzIU
— jomny sun (@jonnysun) April 6, 2015
ive been v healthy n eating a lot of water n air
— 1 cute gril (@a_cute_bug) April 5, 2015
DRAKE: Can I call you Friendrick Lamar? KENDRICK: No. DRAKE: I love rapping. KENDRICK: Please leave me alone
— Ristolable (@Ristolable) March 29, 2015
[wife holding empty can of hairspray while getting ready] "weird, I felt like I just bought this" [me looking fabulous] "that is weird"
— Brent (@murrman5) March 31, 2015
Many people only graduated high school physically.
— Lady (@ladybroseph) April 7, 2015
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants* DR: Ok what seems to be the problem? ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
— A-tron (@Abusitron) March 31, 2015
DATE: um, hi nice to meet y- ME: *muffled by my jousting helmet* you are a small and weak man
— madeleine (@madeleinedoux) February 27, 2015
WIFE: Dave is here! ME: Regular Dave or Dave who's eyebrows are on fleek? WIFE: GOOD LORD!!! [sounds of me rushing down the stairs]
— ryan (@Karate_Horse) March 27, 2015
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Or braised. I've enjoyed it baked too. Can't go wrong with Fried Revenge. The point is I'm mad at you.
— Growly Grego (@GrowlyGrego) March 25, 2015
*shows up to your baby daughter's baptism wearing the same dress*
— ibid (@ibid78) March 21, 2015
Salsa dancing is only popular because guacamole dancing costs extra.
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) March 31, 2015
"Hi, I'm Bear Grylls." [tears a tarantula in half for no reason]
— paul (@FrenulumBreve) March 14, 2015
Jaden Smith is the worst roommate I've ever had. pic.twitter.com/hdfxZ88fWz
— Rob Fee (@robfee) April 8, 2015
the cashier at Petsmart just told me I smell really good which would be a compliment if my competition wasn't a bunch of dogs and gerbils
— kristen (@kristendrum) April 2, 2015
"dad, where do babies come from" "Erm…brb son" [Dad leaves & an obvious stunt double comes in] "greetings friend. We talk the sex yes?"
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) April 2, 2015
me: "never" doc: "never?" me: "well my head hasnt turned all the way round if thats what you mean" doc: "do you think i said owl movement?"
— k e e t (@KeetPotato) March 30, 2015
(1/458) First of all, there's no way Han Solo would let Greedo point a gun at him to begin with
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) April 1, 2015
If you walk into a crowded bar carrying a small tray, you can walk up to anyone & ask what they like to drink and they'll just hand you cash
— (maura) (@behindyourback) April 4, 2015
ME: heres our crew for the heist. tom– demolitions TOM: yo M: ed– inside man ED: yup M: pat– pizza orderer PAT: let me know of any allergies
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) April 5, 2015
"What would be your main strength?" Well, I can communicate with animals… "Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?" They can't understand me.
— GoaT FacE ThrillA (@EndhooS) March 20, 2015
*brings a plastic bag full of blood into the blood bank* I’d like to open an account
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) April 5, 2015