1.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
— Janel SantaCruz Campbell (@JanelSantaCruz) February 4, 2014
2.
https://twitter.com/MikeCanRant/status/582518618040107008
3.
https://twitter.com/michelleisawolf/status/584832617096339457
4.
https://twitter.com/lil_aracuan/status/585629365620363264
5.
thomas edison: i have an idea
[a fucked up rough draft of the lightbulb appears above his head]— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) April 7, 2015
6.
Leaving a store without buying anything is embarrassing. I feel like people think "farewell idiot who went to the grocery store by mistake"
— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) April 5, 2015
7.
https://twitter.com/jonnysun/status/584900436114673664
8.
ive been v healthy n eating a lot of water n air
— babby gril (@a_cute_bug) April 5, 2015
9.
DRAKE: Can I call you Friendrick Lamar?
KENDRICK: No.
DRAKE: I love rapping.
KENDRICK: Please leave me alone— Ristolable (@ristolable) March 29, 2015
10.
[wife holding empty can of hairspray while getting ready] "weird, I felt like I just bought this"
[me looking fabulous] "that is weird"— brent (@murrman5) March 31, 2015
11.
Many people only graduated high school physically.
— Old Lady Broseph (@LadyBroseph) April 7, 2015
12.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin— several onions (@Amusitr0n) March 31, 2015
13.
https://twitter.com/madeleinedoux/status/571407475511058432
14.
https://twitter.com/Karate_Horse/status/581496841092640768
15.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Or braised. I've enjoyed it baked too. Can't go wrong with Fried Revenge. The point is I'm mad at you.
— Greg (@GrowlyGrego) March 25, 2015
16.
https://twitter.com/ibid78/status/579120631586811904
17.
Salsa dancing is only popular because guacamole dancing costs extra.
— Marlon Rebrando (@contriteperson) March 31, 2015
18.
"Hi, I'm Bear Grylls."
[tears a tarantula in half for no reason]— Paul (@FrenulumBreve) March 14, 2015
19.
https://twitter.com/robfee/status/585620037790265347
20.
the cashier at Petsmart just told me I smell really good which would be a compliment if my competition wasn't a bunch of dogs and gerbils
— Kristen Drum (@kristendrum) April 2, 2015
21.
"dad, where do babies come from"
"Erm…brb son"
[Dad leaves & an obvious stunt double comes in]
"greetings friend. We talk the sex yes?"— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) April 2, 2015
22.
me: "never"
doc: "never?"
me: "well my head hasnt turned all the way round if thats what you mean"
doc: "do you think i said owl movement?"— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) March 30, 2015
23.
https://twitter.com/briangaar/status/583401787320836096
24.
If you walk into a crowded bar carrying a small tray, you can walk up to anyone & ask what they like to drink and they'll just hand you cash
— maura quint (@behindyourback) April 4, 2015
25.
ME: heres our crew for the heist. tom– demolitions
TOM: yo
M: ed– inside man
ED: yup
M: pat– pizza orderer
PAT: let me know of any allergies— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) April 5, 2015
26.
"What would be your main strength?"
Well, I can communicate with animals…
"Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?"
They can't understand me.— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) March 20, 2015
27.
*brings a plastic bag full of blood into the blood bank* I’d like to open an account
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) April 5, 2015
