21 Hilarious Tweets You Need In Your Life

How long are Winnie the Pooh and that other stripey bastard going to ignore the fact there's something seriously wrong with Eeyore

— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) February 24, 2013

Hi, Welcome to Urban Outfitters. What sort of smug look would you like us to give you this evening?

— Hubie Halloween Fan Account (@Maaouad) May 22, 2012

[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I'm vegan

— luke [from online] (@internetluke) August 11, 2014

https://twitter.com/bakedbrotatoes/status/458680148565716992

What were Chick Fil-A's other mascot ideas before landing on an illiterate cow begging for his life?

— colonel rob fee (@robfee) October 10, 2014

most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

— Cohen is a ghost (@skullmandible) December 12, 2013

as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water

— everett byram (@rad_milk) April 16, 2012

Whenever you girls go to the bathroom together, us guys huddle up and smooch before you get back. It's our biggest secret

— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) June 21, 2014

If a mugger ever asks me to draw an uppercase cursive Q or he'll shoot, tell my family I died a hero who struggled with basic literacy.

— Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) December 12, 2011

https://twitter.com/Brandamonium/status/504750459903438849

I'll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like "Damn, that name's way cooler."

— Marlon Rebrando (@contriteperson) May 1, 2014

I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I'm making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.

— Ramsey Merbert (@4anno) February 13, 2012

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, "I'll keep that in mind" and walk off

— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) July 2, 2014

Very nervous to use the bathroom because i ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight

— mike ginn (@shutupmikeginn) July 6, 2014

If you don't know the difference between "there," "their" and "they're" your a moron.

— my pal andy™ (@andylevy) May 22, 2012

The worst part about getting my hand stuck in a Pringles can is when I can't get it out because my other hand is stuck in a Pringles can.

— Jeffrey Hadz (@Hadzilla) January 31, 2012

https://twitter.com/ConorTripler/status/130525524748533761

[me] goodnight moon
[moon] new phone who dis

— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) October 1, 2014

https://twitter.com/EJGomez/status/513592037644304384

All I did was walk by an Abercrombie and Fitch and now my name is Trent, my shirt is off, and I'm really into shell necklaces.

— Brett Ryland (@brettryland) February 29, 2012