Every woman has her date bra and her fat pants and her crying shirt and her murder wig and her courtroom brooch.
— Rachel Lichtman (@rachelichtman) July 21, 2012
Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) November 5, 2012
"No its cool. Ive been working nonstop while your grandpa laid in the bed. He def deserves to go to Wonka's Factory over me." -Charlie's Mom
— colonel rob fee (@robfee) June 11, 2014
Try to imagine pugs living in the wild, just roaming in the forest in packs.
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) April 10, 2012
If you're behind someone at an ATM at night, let them know you're not a threat by gently kissing their neck.
— Bridger Winegar (@bridger_w) August 27, 2012
my favorite drinking game is PacMan. you drink everything in front of you as fast as you can before your ghosts catch up to you
— lawblob (@lawblob) January 17, 2013
You know the second after you bleach your anus someone is going to spill red wine on it, right?
— Lisa Beth Johnson (@ladybirdj) June 20, 2012
Why is Uncle Sam our uncle? Did America's parents die in a car crash? Are we Batman? I'd like that.
— Jill Morris (@JillMorris) June 17, 2011
"Hun, I'm quitting my job and going to learn to become a psychic. Now I know what you're thinking, well not yet. I'm going to learn though"
— brent (@murrman5) January 3, 2014
Women can split open our bodies & chuck living human beings out of our midsections so how about you go ahead & pay us as much as men.
— Paige (@PeachCoffin) August 23, 2014
yes hello 911, i just accidentally liked my ex's vacation pic from 2004
— chuuch (@ch000ch) July 7, 2014
911 what's your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma'am we don't–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
— Dani Fernandez (@msdanifernandez) May 28, 2013
"Son, what you walked in on your mother and I doing, it's-
"Haha what? No, it's sex and it's awesome. Your mother is a freak,"
— matt (@shadygrenade) May 6, 2014
WHAT ABOUT SNACKCHAT I'D BE ON THAT
— Lynn Bixenspan (@lynnbixenspan) August 22, 2014
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) June 5, 2014
I'm gonna take u home, take off your clothes & then have u put on slightly more comfortable versions of those same clothes -Mr. Rogers sext
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) February 27, 2014
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
— Mary Kobayashi (@MaryKoCo) March 12, 2012