Complaining about the Ice Bucket Challenge is doing a great job of raising awareness of how big of a dick you are.
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) August 19, 2014
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
— rob whisman (@robwhisman) August 13, 2014
Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.
— Rob Fee (@robfee) February 21, 2014
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
— Christopher Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth) January 8, 2014
WHO LET THE OWLS OUT?? DON’T SING THE CHORUS YOU’LL MAKE IT WORSE
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 12, 2013
Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: "Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?"
— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) September 6, 2013
trebek is about to own everyone pic.twitter.com/CEgSpCrYHs
— pumpkin spice sadvil (@crylenol) July 25, 2014
I'm sorry, I could never love you the way you deserve because my heart really belongs to pushing down the buttons on soft-drink lids.
— Amanda Mancino (@Manda_like_wine) March 10, 2013
If you can name 5 Kardashians but can't name 5 countries in Asia, stick a knife in an electrical socket.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) November 28, 2012
will somebody tell my friend its spelled "gif" not "gf" and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
— ballin' ass furlin (@thefurlinator) October 2, 2012
Grammar Tip: Farther = physical distance Further = metaphorical distance Father = emotional distance
— Musky Lozenge (@LostCatDog) August 8, 2013
When I die, I want my remains scattered in Disney World, Vegas, and Manhattan. Also, I don't want to be cremated.
— Veronica (@MyPolishFace) August 2, 2012
Sorry I couldn't make it to your 11pm party- I was about to leave the house when all of a sudden I remembered I'm almost 40.
— Robin McCauley (@RobinMcCauley) October 11, 2013
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to "like" Lysol on Facebook?
— molly (@Molly_Kats) October 28, 2012
if you don't have an open bar at your wedding I'm showing up wearing no bra with your ex as my date
— Sarah Beattie (@nachosarah) January 11, 2014
RT if you remember when lyrics used to mean something: pic.twitter.com/uIO4PvMhU4
— stefan (@boring_as_heck) August 20, 2014
Accidentally ate a ball of wasabi the size of a marble and now I can smell math
— Social Extortion (@SocialExtortion) June 21, 2013
You'd think Goldilocks would have been all like, "Damn, it smells like bears in here. Is that a family portrait of bears?! I should leave."
— rory (@rorynotroy) August 6, 2012
Rap Math: I need to pour out 40oz for a fallen homie but I've only got 12oz cans. How many cans do I need to mourn properly? Show your work.
— Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) May 11, 2012
*wears koala suit to job interview* "Hi I'm KOALA-FIED FOR THIS J–" Yeah just have a seat pal. *sits next to 5 sad guys also in koala suits*
— kyle raney (@Kyle_Raney) March 5, 2014