Complaining about the Ice Bucket Challenge is doing a great job of raising awareness of how big of a dick you are.
— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) August 19, 2014
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
— rob (@robwhisman) August 13, 2014
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
— Christopher Hudspeth (@CEHudspeth) January 8, 2014
WHO LET THE OWLS OUT?? DON’T SING THE CHORUS YOU’LL MAKE IT WORSE
— Brian Gaar (@briangaar) July 12, 2013
Before you buy that nice jacket online, ask yourself: "Am I willing to delete one extra email every day for the rest of my life?"
— Aaron Fullerton (@AaronFullerton) September 6, 2013
I'm sorry, I could never love you the way you deserve because my heart really belongs to pushing down the buttons on soft-drink lids.
— Amanda Mancino-Williams (@Manda_like_wine) March 10, 2013
will somebody tell my friend its spelled "gif" not "gf" and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
— alex furlin (@thefurlinator) October 2, 2012
Farther = physical distance
Further = metaphorical distance
Father = emotional distance
— i dont even know anymore (@LostCatDog) August 8, 2013
Sorry I couldn't make it to your 11pm party- I was about to leave the house when all of a sudden I remembered I'm almost 40.
— Robin McCauley Lynch (@RobinMcCauley) October 11, 2013
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to "like" Lysol on Facebook?
— Molly (@Molly_Kats) October 28, 2012
Rap Math: I need to pour out 40oz for a fallen homie but I've only got 12oz cans. How many cans do I need to mourn properly? Show your work.
— Eireann Dolan (@EireannDolan) May 11, 2012
*wears koala suit to job interview*
"Hi I'm KOALA-FIED FOR THIS J–"
Yeah just have a seat pal.
*sits next to 5 sad guys also in koala suits*
— kyle raney (@Kyle_Raney) March 5, 2014