Treat dating as a potential liability, not an automatic benefit.
Many women are conditioned to approach dating and relationships as if there’s a heightened sense of urgency to “find the one.” As a result, they tend to choose partners out of a need for validation or to derive a sense of self-worth from their relationship status, rather than authentic desire. It’s important to deprogram the harmful myths you’ve internalized about romantic relationships to the point where you would rather be on your own than with a toxic partner so you do not settle for less just to settle down. If you’re not quite at that stage yet, it can be helpful to thoroughly read the stories of women who’ve struggled in even the happiest of marriages and the research on the risks and burdens of marriage, childbirth, and childrearing, and how these risks are heightened when you are with the wrong partner. Usually, women are trained since adolescence to seek out the benefits of relationships without knowing the costs, but being with the wrong partner can deplete your mental health, deplete your finances, make you lose your identity, and cause you to take detours in pursuing your dreams. Ensure you know these risks and costs so you can assess whether a potential partner is actually adding value to your life, rather than detracting from it and potentially going to change your life-course trajectory in irreversible ways.
Stop “pre-choosing” people before they’ve proven themselves worthy of being chosen to you.
Often, women follow the assumption that everyone should be trusted automatically unless someone gives you a reason not to trust them. This is one of the worst mistakes you can make in the dating world as a woman. If you haven’t built a solid foundation of organic trust over time, where your dating partner has shown themselves to be trustworthy across diverse contexts, there’s no need to give out your trust so freely. Be cautiously optimistic but possess a healthy skepticism. Don’t disclose your vulnerabilities, traumas, innermost secrets to potential wolves in sheep’s clothing and give people you don’t know well ammunition to use against you, and do not give someone a map to manipulate you.
Due to the rampant and pervasive nature of hookup culture, it’s even more important for a woman to not give “instructions” to a man looking to cosplay her deepest desires just to get her into bed. Sit back and observe someone’s behavior, rather than “tell” someone what to do, so you can witness how someone behaves in their natural state. Strike a balance between sharing more of yourself as you get more comfortable and get to know the person better before you share the privilege of who you are. Learn to differentiate between genuine generosity and a “provider mentality” that naturally comes from a high-quality man and a man who only gives in order to use you in some way.
Date to investigate compatibility, not to marry.
You may have a life goal of getting married, or ending up with a lifelong partner, but that doesn’t mean that goal is meant for the particular person in front of you on a date. Relax! Again, remember that every person you date is a potential liability to invest in. Due to the higher burdens and risks women take on in the dating world, a high-quality partner is someone who will want to impress you and treat you well long-term. Dating is all about exploring compatibility and having fun. If it turns out the people you’re dating don’t share your core values, act in ways that are out of line with integrity, display red flags, or trespass your boundaries, be thankful you are in the early stages and are able to get out of a toxic situation early. Celebrate not just your wins, but your so-called “losses” whenever you discover that someone you thought you connected with wasn’t actually who you thought they were or exhibited red flags – these too, are gains, and lessons that teach you what you do want in a lifelong partner. Don’t fall prey to the sunk cost fallacy – you will only lose more by investing too much of yourself in partners who don’t honor you and what you authentically desire.
Center yourself and your standards, not your dating partner.
Decentering your dating partner is a profound act of self-care in a world that teaches women to lower their standards in order to be in a relationship. Get in touch with your standards and boundaries early on before dating and work on leveling up in all facets of your life (financially, mentally, physically) so you know that you’re already a healthy version of yourself and can stay grounded in who you are and what you want when meeting potential partners. Learn to enjoy your own company so you know the difference between having a genuinely good time with someone as opposed to experiencing the relief of not being alone. Many women, when they learn how to do this, actually get addicted to the peace and joy of being on their own! That’s a good thing. It means a dating partner has to be high-quality and add value to your life in order to stay in it. When you’ve reached this level of emotional mastery, this is where the fun begins.
