How does a high-quality or high-value partner behave and communicate? What are their texting habits? How are these habits different from how a narcissist may use similar phrases? While this article can apply to everyone regardless of gender, it is important to note that women are deeply conditioned and socialized to be caretakers in their relationships. Many women (the exception being female narcissists and psychopaths) tend to already engage in the empathic and high-quality behaviors listed in dating due to this socialization and invest themselves fully in their romantic relationships. It’s also vital to remember that words through texts are not necessarily indicators of character, which is why we must also look at the actions that support such messages, as these actions are what differentiates a high-quality partner from a low-quality one. Here are six text messages you might receive consistently if you’re dating a high-quality man or woman, backed up with actions – and why they mean something different than when a narcissist sends them, according to an expert.
How can I help?
A high-quality man isn’t just great at active listening – he’s also about active doing. He doesn’t just want to comfort and validate you emotionally but also invests in concrete actions that make you feel safe, protected, and respected in the long-term. When a high-quality man texts you consistently over time to ask how he can help during stressful situations, he really means it – he wants to know what he can do to assist you in whatever you’re going through, whether it’s allowing you the space for a vent session, picking up something you need on an errand, or helping you with a project. A love bombing manipulator may temporarily pretend to want to assist you during hard times, but he will eventually stop engaging in actions that honor you once he gets his own needs met or when you challenge his ego in any way. In fact, a love bombing narcissist will often behave as if meeting the bare minimum or catering to a simple request is a great inconvenience, or subject you to the silent treatment or stonewalling altogether. Even if they do what you ask, they may further punish you or retaliate for having to comply in the first place.
Don’t worry, I’ve got it. Let me take care of this.
A high-quality man is authentically generous not because he feels pressured or obligated to be – he is naturally generous to people because he has a provider mentality toward the people he loves. This means he wants to take care of you and gets genuine pleasure out of treating you to romantic dates, gestures and thoughtful gifts or expressions of love. He respects your independence, but he still wants to ensure you feel cared for in the relationship. A narcissist, on the other hand, will only give for the purpose of controlling you. Narcissists hold what they’ve done for you against you, as there is no such thing as a free gift when it comes to them. A manipulator lashes out if they don’t get what they want after giving something to you freely and feels excessively entitled to getting something in return. For example, a narcissist will berate and punish you for not having sex with them if they took you out to dinner, or verbally abuse you if they buy you a gift and you decide not to pursue a relationship with them.
I completely understand why you’re feeling that way.
Emotional validation comes naturally for a high-quality man or woman. He wants to be there for you when you are feeling hurt. He wants to comfort you when you’re in distress. Manipulators use these phrases to trick their victims into believing they’re on their side but their actions long-term will include abandoning or neglecting their partners when they need them the most, revealing their true nature. For example, when their partners are facing illness or trauma, the narcissistic manipulator will inevitably see this as an inconvenience to them rather than as an opportunity to show extra love and care for their partner. Some narcissistic and psychopathic individuals will even actively demean their partners during this time, brutally kicking them down when they’re already vulnerable.
Congratulations! I am so happy for you. Let’s celebrate.
High-quality partners enjoy celebrating the victories and achievements of their partners. They are your biggest cheerleader when it comes to your goals and dreams and engage in actions to celebrate your success beyond just words. For example, a high-quality partner may go out of their way to make your life easier with small or big actions to bolster your success – whether it’s sending encouraging feedback throughout the day of a stressful interview, having soup delivered to you when you’re sick, taking you out to dinner after a promotion, or making you your favorite meal after you get home after your first day of graduate school. They strive to make your life easier, just as you would do for them when celebrating their success. Narcissists, on the other hand, are pathologically envious which means they aren’t happy for their partners when their partners succeed and try to hold their partners back from succeeding. They refuse to engage in what is known as “capitalization” – the mutual appreciation of positive news that enhances your joy and the well-being of the relationship. Unless they can piggyback off their success or benefit in some way via a boost to their own image, narcissists will try to deflate their partners by minimizing or degrading their hard-earned accomplishments.
I am so proud of you. Keep it up!
Whether it’s because you just graduated from graduate school or made progress in lifting yourself out of depression, a high-quality partner is there to make sure you know how proud of you they are and to encourage healthy habits they know you’re trying to engage in. They celebrate your milestones and encourage you to embody your highest and best self – whatever that means to you. Narcissistic manipulators push you into self-destruction and encourage addictions (such as substance use) that make you more vulnerable to their manipulation. Some may hypercriticize you under the guise of helping you cultivate “healthy” habits but only as a form of controlling and demeaning you (for example, encouraging policing of eating habits and body dysmorphia by criticizing your diet or body). For the high-quality man, wellness is holistic – it’s not just about what makes you look good but also feel good in your own skin – thus the high value man will not encourage goals you yourself are not pursuing. He may be very attracted to you, but his love for you goes beyond just appearance – it is multifaceted.
You’re truly so incredible.
High quality partners take healthy pride in their partners and that also includes reassuring their partners how irreplaceable they are long-term. You feel like a high-quality partner truly “sees” you for who you are and picks up on the details about you that are specific to you. While narcissists may initially love bomb you into feeling cherished and unique, this idealization often abruptly devolves into devaluation, gaslighting, and withdrawal from you. They cannot truly “see” you as an individual or multifaceted person – you are instead treated as an object with traits they can benefit from, and diminished as disposable or replaceable even though you are valuable and cannot be replaced. Narcissistic manipulators create love triangles to deliberately provoke insecurity and jealousy in you, in an attempt to trigger you into self-doubt. With a narcissist, you’re only deemed “incredible” so long as you’re serving them and not questioning them on their dubious behavior – and even then, when you serve as their emotional punching bag and doormat, they will quickly get bored and explore other challenging prospects. With a high-quality partner, you’re reminded of your strengths, talents, and uniqueness. Your boundaries are respected consistently, and you are not only allowed to challenge your partner in healthy ways, you are encouraged to do so in order to open up constructive lines of communication and feedback.
A high-quality partner wants to grow with you in loving ways; a narcissistic partner is stunted in their emotional growth and self-development and as you pursue your best life, you often outgrow trying to please them in order to become the best version of yourself. You deserve a healthy partner who respects you long-term – not just in words, but in actions.
