Scott Muska

Getting to know someone in a borderline interview setting.

It’s actually pretty easy if you follow some of these steps.

One day you will wake up and feel different.

We’ve all done it. But just send a text. It’s really not that hard.

You’ll reason you would rather have her in your life as a friend than to not have her in your life at all.

It dawns on you, or you finally admit what you’ve been thinking for a while, while you’re lying in bed that morning, that they’re doing a slow fade — slow enough that you can’t really call them out on it without their calling you overbearing or crazy.

Love is not finite.

10. Global warming isn’t a real thing and you know what? Neither is love. We’re all just fooling ourselves.

Frank Sinatra famously said that the best revenge is massive success. I’ve always applied this idom to breakups.

So now some people view it as curious that someone my age is single.

Your metabolism and general energy levels are both beginning to turn on you.

22. Sleep well with someone else in my bed. It just gets so hot and crowded, and then I get bothered.

You own at least one gingham patterned button-down shirt, probably from either J. Crew, Old Navy, or, your old mainstay, The Gap.

How about we…

Why waste time? I’m 25. The internal clock is ticking. I don’t have time to sit through all that mundane banter.

22. In perfect cadence with every thrust, whisper this in her ear: “You are so much better than my ex. You are so much better than my ex. You are so much better than my ex.”

2. I sent your mom an OkCupid message re: how I felt compelled to contact her on account of both of us listing “bacon” as one of our six things we could not live without.

16. I wish we were snuggling right now :/ :/ :/ :/