Frank Sinatra famously said that the best revenge is massive success. I’ve always applied this idom to breakups.
Ole’ Blue Eyes is probably right. I bet the women who used to brush him off when he was some chorus geek or whatever in high school felt really stupid about it a few years later.
But success doesn’t happen overnight. And if you’re anything like me, you want to do some immediate things to piss off the person who wronged you—whether it’s a long-term girlfriend or some floozy who called shit off with you because you “over-text” or WHATEVER.
I spend a lot of time thinking of ways to carry out revenge when I’ve been romantically wronged. (If this somehow angers you, skip the rest of this and go say something mean in the comments section. Bonus points if you know the difference between “your” and “you’re.”) With that, here are some mostly harmless ways to get some revenge—or at least piss the other person off, if that’s something you’re looking into doing.
1. Fire up Photoshop and load a picture of the two of you together. Put a circle over their face with text on the inside reading “YOUR FACE HERE.” Make it your profile picture for fucking everything, and post it to Instagram and tag him/her in it.
2. Send a pizza to their residence and, in the special instructions area, tell the delivery people to write a message like “I thought you might have an appetite from running so swiftly from commitment, you pussy.”
3. Post passive-aggressive and ambiguous tweets and Facebook statuses. They’re the fucking best. All of your friends will like it too, because they’ll be like “Ha! He’s totally throwing shade at Laura right now!” One example I personally posted recently: “Jesus! I just now realized I was dating a girl who is flashing the peace sign unironically in her Facebook profile picture. I gotta get my shit together, man.” She’ll see it and be ANGRY!
4. Like and comment complete nonsense on every social media post she puts out there on the Internet. If you aren’t good with nonsense, just go with emo pop punk or Vanessa Carlton lyrics. She’ll be really confused if you keep writing shit like “SHE’S SO PRETTY AND SHE’S SO SURE / MAYBE I’M MORE CLEVER THAN A GIRL LIKE HER” on pictures of her cat or of her brunch mimosas or whatever the fuck.
5. If you’ve shared passwords to things like Netflix, HBO Go, etc. with her, change them all to something like “lauraisacadaverouslayandadumbbitch.” (Laura’s a cadaverous lay and a dumb bitch.) Then text her and tell her she can continue to use them if she’s cool with typing that password in. Change it again a day or so later.
6. If ever they say they want to be friends, send your ex an audio message of you clapping obnoxiously four times in a row like they do during the Friends theme song. Then tell them you have enough friends.
7. Wait a few weeks and then call her up and tell her she might want to get tested for gonorrhea. (I’d say herpes but that one’s incurable. Let’s not take this shit too far.) She’ll probably express anger and/or surprise. As soon as she does, start FREAKING out and accusing her of giving it to you.
8. Mess with pictures of her that you have and then post them to embarrass her. Not nudes—that’s not cool, man. I’m talking about fun-loving kind of stuff. Like, Photoshop her into a picture where it looks like she’s about to jump into a pile of leaves and then caption it “Laura loves leaving! Why? Because she can and she just doesn’t feel a connection like she used to!” You can also do what I did one time. An ex cheated on me with Ami James—you know, that dude on reality shows about tattooing who looks a lot like Voldemort—so I Photoshopped him into a picture of her and captioned it “TBT to that time Laura cheated on me with a D-List reality show person! #blessed #newlysingle”
9. Send him sexts he used to send you (that you obviously saved) and be like “Wow, can you believe you used to say stuff like that? It’s bizarre to me that you said all this but you cringe at the word ‘moist.’”
10. Imitate every picture he/she posts of herself. Do it to the best of your abilities. Tag them in every one with the hashtags #twinsies and #formersexpartners.
11. Whenever she starts dating a new guy, poke that dude on Facebook. And message him strange, mysterious things, like “In the back right corner of her walk-in closet she has an Aldo shoe box. That’s where she keeps her trophies. Do you think you might be able to get my necklace back for me?”
12. Date somebody who is better looking and more successful than he is.
13. Take all of their belongings they left at your place, and anything expendable that reminds you of them. Put it in a pile outside. Douse it in gasoline. Light that shit on fire.
14. Bang one or all of their friends. Bonus points if you can get the friend to take a post-sex selfie with you that you send to them.
15. If you know her parents, siblings and/or friends, try to stay tight with them. If they’re sensible, they won’t quit talking to you just because of a breakup where you (ostensibly) didn’t do anything way too wrong. Do it publicly, too. Post on their Facebook walls and stuff.