1. Analyzing the “You look so thin!” comment on a picture.
Wait, do I actually look thin? Because I didn’t lose any weight. Are you just amazed as to how good I look in this picture as opposed to other pictures, or to what I look like in person? People don’t comment “skinny mini” on a skinny person’s picture. So now you have me thinking… do you really think I’m skinny? Or do you think I’m skinny just in that picture?
2. Eating with people you’re not close with.
So you’re at a restaurant with a person or a couple people you’re not close with. They could be co-workers, a date, acquaintances (AKA not your BFFs), people you just started to become friends with, etc. You scan the menu and see a lot of things that make you want to have sex, i.e. macaroni and cheese, pizza, a burger with fries. However, your inner skinny person is telling you that should probably get a salad. Your inner fat person, though, is begging you to get the fries… but umm what is everyone else getting? What if no one else gets a big meal? What if they all get salads? You can’t be the fat one who gets carbs. Then they’ll think you’re fat… even though you’re not… but you’re not skinny… so… whatever. You’re getting
cheese fries salad. You’ll probably have a snack when you get home. It’s fine.
3. Choosing an outfit to wear out on a weekend night.
You can’t cover yourself in an oversized sweater now. You have to look good, which usually means your clothes have to be tight fitting – UGH. You try on an outfit. You look at yourself in the mirror. You look at yourself from the right side. Then the left side. You maybe put on spanx and check out the side views again. Then you take a mirror selfie from a high angle and look at the picture, because the way your phone views you is a great representation of how others are going to view you. Duh. If you’re still not sure if you look fat or not, you send the picture to friends asking for their opinion. And if anyone is around you, you ask them if you look fat… FROM THE SIDE. Eventually, you change approximately six times until you find an outfit you don’t question. Because from the minute you start to question an outfit, you’ve already basically decided that you look fat — even if everyone else thinks you look bangin.’ The only thing that can change this is when a guy says “I would fuck you in that. ” A guy wouldn’t openly say that he would fuck a fat girl. So it must mean you don’t look fat. Right?
4. Buying jeans.
Especially when people ask you if you need help… and then even worse, when you have to get their help. When answering “what size are you?” you probably say a size below what you actually are, pretend you’re doing okay in the dressing room when they knock and ask, and then leave empty handed… planning to return later when you won’t have to tell people what size you really are. Asking a girl who isn’t skinny but isn’t fat her pants size is like asking any human being how much they weigh – NOT OKAY. They should make some sort of system at stores where you can type in what size you’re looking for and have it magically appear without you having confront anyone about it. Right?! This is 2014. Where is this technology?
5. Wondering what guys refer to you as.
Do you they think you’re skinny? Do they call you average? Do they just say you’re a gigantic gross fat ass? And, like, what number are you on that world famous ratings scale? Would you be higher if you were thinner? You wonder these things constantly, and you’ll probably never know the answer. Even when you ask your boyfriend a million and six times. He’s never going to tell you (the truth). Unless he is actually telling you the truth. But you’ll never know. Because you can’t even decide what rating YOU would give yourself. Like if you were a guy would you call yourself skinny or fat? You don’t even KNOW.
6. Taking your cover up off at the beach.
This is, legit, the worst thing ever. You don’t want to bend over in a bikini (someone could see your roll!), so you’ve mastered the take-off-the-dress-while-already-lying-down act. Sure you could just wear a one piece to avoid this problem, but you’re not going to wear a fucking one piece – YOU’RE NOT FAT. The struggle continues through your entire beach trip. When coming back to your towel after going in the ocean, you are faced with a big dilemma. You don’t have your cover up on, so you have to lie down quickly before people see your fat shake around too much. But your towel is covered in sand and you don’t want to lie down in sand while wet. However, your alternative is bending down to shake the towel off. I’d rather be a sand monster than bend down in a bikini… thanks.
7. Deciding whether or not to eat free food at work.
You don’t want your co-workers to think you’re fat, so you usually say no to the free snacks in the kitchen and you definitely do NOT participate in bagel Wednesday (unless you’re hungover… and vow not to eat anything else the rest of the day). You also bring your own lunch every day instead of eating any sort of free lunch that comes your way. But when a co-worker comes around with cookies she baked for the whole team (or even worse — if she made a couple just for you — gluten free/nut free/dairy free/whatever the fuck you are), you have to eat them. Only an asshole would say no (Right?! Because you don’t want to be the fat ass saying yes to chocolate when every one else is saying no). After you DO indulge at work, you’ll feel bad about your entire life for about a week. Because, after all, you’re on a day diet. AKA you starve yourself during the day because you don’t want anyone to think you eat too much, but when you get home it’s balls to the walls in the pantry. You didn’t eat all day. You’re hungry. It’s fine. And you wonder why you can’t lose weight…
8. Losing and gaining weight.
Any weight. Even if its .2 pounds. You’re already not okay with your weight, and you don’t need it getting higher. You’re so close to being skinny and so close to being overweight. When Regina George said “I just wanna lose 3 pounds,” people were supposed to laugh. But not you. That’s your reality. You just wanna lose 3 pounds. I mean, it could really make all the difference.
9. Trying to figure out what guy(s) are actually interested in you at the bar.
They’re talking to you, but are they actually into you? Or are they just thinking of you as the “fat friend” while they try to make their way into your thinner friends’ pants? And then if they DO choose to pursue you for however many minutes you let them, is it because they think you’re thin? Or is it because they’re drunk and you’re there? You are just way too hard on yourself and can’t accept anything for what it is. Would you be into you at a bar? You’re not sure.
10. Explaining to people that you’re staying in because you… just wanna lose 3 pounds.
As I said above, a lot of people think 3 pounds is nothin’ …but to you – it’s everything. And a night out means you’re either going to gain 3 pounds after drinking non-stop red bull vodkas and eating late night pizza, or lose 3 pounds after throwing up everything you’ve consumed in the past week due to too many red bull vodkas. But it’s a risk. And it’s one you’re not always willing to take. Sometimes you just need ‘a weekend‘ to feel skinny again. No, you’re not magically losing a pants size overnight. But in your mind you are. And guess what – whether you feel fat or skinny – it’s all in your head!
You’re not skinny. You’re not fat. YOU’RE AVERAGE. And you look fine. Get over it.