A Few Things I Wish I Could Tell You Now

When we ended there were so many things left unsaid. So many questions left with no answers. So many burning holes in my heart left empty.

There are so many things I wish I said when I had the chance. And now that I can’t, now that you’re blocked and I won’t see you again, I have nothing left to lose. If I got to see you one last time, here’s some of the things that I would want to tell you.

First thing I’d want to tell you is how much I wish the last time I saw you wasn’t the last time. I remember leaving your place and thinking to myself something doesn’t feel right, as if I had this gut instinct that you were going to leave. It was premeditated, I felt something change in that last hug. If I knew the last time was the last time I would’ve squeezed you so much harder, I would’ve begged you to get back in bed and don’t leave. I wouldn’t have let you drive away, and sat in my car crying by myself.

I’d want to tell you about the nightmares I’ve had since you left. I spent every night waking up in cold sweats, turning on my light to make sure you weren’t here. And even though I lived in fear of you, in fear of the dark, and in fear of my own bed, I looked forward to going to sleep every night because it was the last place I’m able to see you.

I also want to tell you I would’ve forgiven you a million more times. I think something’s broken in me, I think I was born without the ability to hold a grudge. Or maybe it’s just against you. Whatever it is, I wish it wasn’t.

I’ve forgiven you for things no human should have to endure, yet I don’t hate you. In fact I still love you. If I could tell you anything, it would be that I love you with my entire heart, but I’m so sorry it ended like this. It was never supposed to be this way.

It’s still heartbreaking to me, how much love we let go to waste. People would kill to have what we had or at least what I had. I’m not sure anymore if you are capable of loving. Even if you didn’t love me, even if it was all an act, I’d come to the encore. If I could go back in time, I do anything to keep you, I’d beg you to keep pretending.

I’d tell you how much every little moment with you meant to me. I tell you how nowhere in my entire life has ever felt safer than your arms. How whenever we cuddled up on the couch, all that was going through my mind was how special you were to me, how I never wanted to leave this spot, and how I want to give you the entire world because to me you were it.

If I got one last conversation with you, I’d ask where you think we’d be now if that might never happen? Do you think we’d be living far away from all this like we planned? Riding off into the sunset, to start our family like we talked about?

Or maybe you needed that night to snap you back to reality. Maybe that reality check was the only reason you finally got help, you had to lose everything to realize that you needed to change. Maybe if that night never happened, you would still be the drunk, violent, narcissist I knew you as. I just wish I could ask where you think this was going.

And before I lose your attention, the last question that’s kept me up all night, do you think will ever get our second chance? I keep telling myself you were the right person at the wrong time. But do you think we will get the right time? Maybe it’s long gone, our chances are slim, but I’d take the risk.

At the end of our last conversation, which will probably never get, after I’ve said too much, I’d say goodbye, I’d hug you harder and longer than I ever have before, and I do my best not to cry until you turn away.