Have Mercy On My Heart, Please Leave Me Alone

I have not gone a single day without thinking about you, since I met you. Since that dreaded September night that changed everything. How exhausting it’s been.

I can still remember every song we danced to that night. The night you cranked the music from your truck and swung me all around the fire. Our friends were drinking and talking and laughing, but I couldn’t even tell you who was there, you were the only one I saw, the only one I cared about. It was like a scene from a movie, the spotlight on us, everyone else faded out. All I could see is you, all I ever see is you. That night I began falling for you, and never stopped.

You made me fall in love with every look you gave me, I fell in love with the feel of your skin, the sound of your voice, the peaceful nights laying with you, never caring about anyone else. I’ve never been so in love.

So when I say this, please do not think I care about you any less, but for my own sake, please leave me the fuck alone.

I do not want to hear from you, I do not want to see you at a party and say hi, I do not want to see your name on my phone ever again. As far as I’m concerned, you could live in another country, and I wouldn’t have a clue. That’s how far I want you from my life.

It’s not that I don’t love you, it’s that I do. It’s that every time I see you, I curse at god asking him why he took you from me. It’s that I always tell myself it’s not fair, I should be at this party with you, not looking away every time we meet eyes all night. It’s that I can’t sleep at night, I’m always playing back old memories, trying to relive every day spent with you in my head. It feels wrong to sleep anywhere but with you. It feels wrong to go about my day and not text you updates. It feels wrong to not wake up to your good morning kisses before work. Everywhere I go, everything I do, everything feels wrong when I don’t have you.

It’s not that I don’t miss you, it’s that I do. It’s that I miss you so much I feel like I’m suffocating. You don’t see me running out of air, you don’t see that you’re the only person who could make it better. Or maybe you do see it, but you’ve learned to tune me out. I miss you when I’m drinking my morning coffee and not sending you a picture of it. I miss you when I’m getting off work and going home, and driving past your place. I miss you most of all when something really exciting, or really horrible happens, and I have to stop my fingers from dialing your number. When I have something huge to share you’re the first person I want to tell, and when I’m drowning and think I can’t make it another day, you’re the only person I trust enough to run to. But I don’t have that anymore, I don’t have you anymore.

It’s not that I don’t care about you, it’s that I do. It’s that no matter how many times you’ve done me wrong, I still want you safe and happy. No matter the pain you’ve caused me, I would never want you to feel that way. No matter what you think of me now, I pray for you, every day. I pray that you are safe, and you know that you’re loved by so many people. Because I know you struggle with that. I ask god every day to protect you when I can’t.

I do care about you, I do miss you, and I do love you. That combination is lethal with you and I. It makes me consider texting you, a hundred times a day. The only reason you haven’t heard from me yet, is because I stop myself.

Because as bad as I want to talk to you, I know it’s wrong. I know the right thing is to move on and forget you, as long as it takes and as many tears as it brings. Because I know someday I’ll be okay, even if that day doesn’t come for a long time. So I resist, I restrain myself somehow from hitting send, but don’t for a second think I don’t want to.

So if you’re missing me tonight, and type something to get my attention, I am begging you, do not hit send. It gets harder every day to not text you, and lord knows if your name appears on my screen, I cannot ignore it.

Please don’t text me. Because if you do I’ll text you back. If you do, I’ll come over, with no hesitation. If you do, I’ll stay the night, and when the sun comes up, I’ll be stuck back at square one of missing you. I’ll be starting this entire process over again, and my heart can’t take it. I know you don’t plan to stay, but lord knows if you wanted to come back even for a few minutes, my arms would be as open as my heart.

So please, for the love of god, have mercy on my heart, and leave me alone.