1. They’re rich and powerful, and you hope that by having sex with them you too will become rich and powerful. It’ll be like passing on an STD but, um, the really good kind.
2. They are mean. They cut you down. They ate the last thing of string cheese. And because you feel like you don’t deserve string cheese or anything nice, you have sex with them. You hope this will fix things. Maybe they’re just one mind-blowing orgasm away from behaving like a decent person???!!! Yes, that’s DEFINITELY it, hon!
3. They are nice. They lift you up. They make you artisanal string cheese from scratch. To show how much you appreciate them, you lick various parts of their naked body, including the part that poop comes out of. To prove that they are the shit, you basically risk MEETING their shit.
4. You’re in a horny fog and can see nothing but sexual intercourse. The only way the fog can be lifted is if you cum all over it. So you find this person that looks like Jonah Hill but without the millions of dollars. The fog is obscuring their face and you just go for it. You fuck a non-rich and famous Jonah Hill and the second you finish you see everything clearly and hate yourself for the next forty-eight hours. (Seventy-two if you didn’t wear a condom.)
5. They are forbidden. You cannot have them. They are your best friend’s girlfriend, your ex, your gym teacher.
6. You are feeling sad and fat and then someone hits on you and doesn’t make you feel so sad and fat anymore.
7. You are drunk. It’s either having sex with a pizza or this man that looks like a pizza.
8. It’s so hot out and you don’t have AC but this person does and he’s nice and seems like he’ll let you spend the night so, hi babe…
9. You feel bad for them. They’re throwing a pity party and you find yourself somehow being the guest of honor. Seeing them this sad is so pathetic and, well, you didn’t donate to any charities this year, so why not just fuck them and call it a tax write-off?
10. They told you they weren’t interested and now you’re like, “lolllll, we’ll see about that, honey.” Winning them over is a fun challenge, sort of like figuring out how to put the duvet cover on your bed or monogamy.
11. They make you laugh till your brain comes. And once your brain comes, everything else MUST follow.
12. They just played you a Joni Mitchell song on the guitar at four thirty in the afternoon, soooooo goodbye forever. Everything in your body goes limp, except for your penis, and you say, “Well played, sir. Take me now.”
13. You’re at a time in your life when it’s easier to figure out who you are by getting naked with someone.
14. They are so much hotter than you and the opportunity to have sex with them is there, so you have to take it! It’s an actual law in the Average Looking Person handbook: “If a hot person wants to sleep with you, you must say yes. Otherwise, you go to jail.”
15. You’re, like, in love or something.