1. Having a crush on someone
I don’t know how people get others to fall in love with them because whenever I have a crush on someone, I am an absolute idiot. I am the worst possible version of myself. I wish at certain points I could just whisper into my crush’s ear and be like, “Please just stick around. I swear I get better. Hold on just one more second!” I can’t tell someone a joke, be funny or interesting because all my brain power is going towards falling in love with them. There’s, like, no room left to be charming. Meanwhile, if I DON’T like someone, I’m on top of my game because there’s no pressure. Why is it always like this? On top of behaving like a fool, you’re also constantly suffering from analysis paralysis and reading into every little thing your crush is doing. “He said he liked my shirt today, so yeah, I think it’s pretty damn obvious that he’s in love with me too,” you say to your roommate who is trying to conceal the fact that she’s worried about your psycho behavior. Here’s what I’ve learned about boys during my decade of dating them: People often give them too much credit. I know that sounds sexist and reductive but all I’m saying is that most of them aren’t sitting around and thinking of what signals to send you that will let you know that they’re into you. It’s pretty straightforward. If they want to smooch, they’ll let you know.
2. Moving to New York
Everyone moves here thinking that they’re going to remain unchanged. “I’m going to be calm, cool, collected and polite, I’m not going to turn into one of those rude people who steals cabs and gets angry at people for walking slow.” Then you find about something called a broker’s fee and it’s OVER. Smash cut to six months later: You’re stealing someone’s cab in the pouring rain, you’re sobbing in Union Square during the middle of the day while on the phone with your mom, you’re dating someone just because they have AC and it’s the humid summertime.” That’s the fun about living in New York, though. If you’re not insane, you’re basic and probably living in Murray Hill which is way worse than wanting to push a slow elderly woman out of the way.
3. Working at a job you hate
When you first start any job, it’s all butterflies and rainbows until you settle into the grind and figure out what it is you’ll actually be doing. Then the honeymoon fades and the bitterness sinks in. Granted, it’s not like this at all jobs. I’m just talking about the loathsome ones, the ones that can tweak your naturally happy demeanor and turn you into a dark cloud. All of a sudden, you become that person who constantly complains about their job to anyone who will listen. Your friends start to fear for your mental health and urge you to quit. Sometimes you do. Sometimes you don’t. You should quit though. Have you ever met someone who’s been at a job they hate for 30+ years? It’s a fucking horror movie.
4. Figuring out the bill at a birthday dinner
Birthday dinners are the best, right? A few hours of laughing, boozing and eating delicious food with your friends. You wish it would never end. No, seriously, please don’t ever be over. Because when it ends, the bill comes and the mood immediately turns somber. People try to pretend the bill is not there. No one wants to look at it. They start chanting for it to go away but it won’t budge. Finally, a brave soul takes the bill and lets out an audible gasp, pushing it to the person next to them. Meanwhile, everyone is trying to keep the birthday boy/girl in the dark about it because, duh, they don’t have to pay! Right? Wrong. After thirty minutes of figuring out how to divide the bill and collecting the money, you’re still somehow a hundred dollars short. At this point, people are sobbing angrily at the dinner table and resentful at their friend for making them come. “This is why I don’t go to birthday dinners,” someone hisses to their friend. “Everyone ends up paying $150 each. Screw this!” Feeling embarrassed, the birthday boy/girl offers to throw down money. “No, you can’t!” someone screams in mock protest. “It’s your birthday!” Then the birthday person insists on it and no one fights it. You leave dinner all hating each other.
5. Family vacations
I love my family. We’re obsessed with each other. However, that doesn’t stop us from acting like complete psychos. On the last family vacation I went on, it only took two days for me to need my alone time. As much as I enjoy spending time with them, it doesn’t feel like so much of a vacation as it does an endurance test. Whoever makes it to the finish line without screaming, “I WISH YOU WERE DEAD!” wins.